Think of It

When Rationalization Backfires

2012-01-19T14:29:00.002+08:00

My favorite essay in "It Must Be Beautiful" - well, I'd say, beside the foreword - is the one about Einstein's relativity, about how at first it was so controversial it seemed pretty absurd. What's so interesting about the disagreement is the fact that the people who disagreed most did so not because they didn't know enough, but because they knew all too well - or at least they thought they did. But the theory triumphed in the end - presumably because it's right, of course.

That's how it is with reasoning and reality, I suppose. There's this thing that I guess I really do know about, in fact I am pretty sure that I know about. It's probably 20% arrogance, 20% emotions and 60% logical deduction. And the fact that I think it mostly logical makes it, actually, 40% arrogance, 20% emotions, and 30% logical deduction. But the point is, I believe I know it.

But it's exactly because I know it that I refuse to believe the reality of it; the decision, the simple point made, presented before me - and though there's no choice but to accept it, it was hard to - because it's different from what I know, and I know should be.

At this point, rationalization, as much as it helps in accepting irrationality, seems to backfire. Because any rationalization that I make, is based on what I know: my assumptions, my beliefs - and they are not wrong, they simply do not necessarily lead to this reality, this very thing that's so real it happens despite reasons.

I still don't think I'm wrong. It's just that at some point I'm devoid of reason as to why I have to understand it. Some things do not need to be understood to be known to be true. And frankly, some things are meaningless even when it's true, simply because you don't desire it to be true.

I built my arguments, but in the end they are all meaningless. I don't even remember them clearly after I said it. I guess because it's not from my heart. From the very beginning, I don't have the right motivation. It was not love, it was irrational want - well you can argue that's the definition of love, but I think they're two different things essentially - followed by what seemed like rational reasoning for me. But it was plain wrong. Because I know, even deep down, that it's devoid of real feelings. It hurts that I don't feel any hurt, because then, all I said were lies, though I somehow hope they were not.

I guess, in the end, I'm just a romantic trying to fit meaning into anything, even my stupidity.

2011-11-26T10:47:00.001+08:00

Happy Birthday.

Lots of love,

from me.

Emotional Roller-coaster

2011-11-19T23:58:00.002+08:00

Playing with fire.

Jumping over the roof.

Roller coaster.

Oh dear, am I silly.

Yes, no?

Thanks to my dear friends who always listen to all my ramblings, my complains, my whatsoever. Maybe they're getting bored with me. Groaning and complaining. Gosh.

This is again a time when I can't seem to shed tears when I really need it most. Oh damn, my mood is killing me.

Fighting The Devil Inside

2011-11-17T22:34:00.001+08:00

I love you; I guess.

And it's probably gonna hurt; but not as much as it did, I hope.

So yea, I don't care. I do.

Studying!

2011-11-16T17:45:00.002+08:00

"His voice... is turning into a fever and reverberating inside me."

- Akagami no Shirayukihime, Akizuki Sorata

That is a beautiful sentence; it made me went kyakya! reading it.

I know, I shouldn't read manga, I should be studying. But well, you know me. If anything, I am lazy.

But studying, while dreadful, have resulted in a few fun things lately. Yesterday I went to study *coughs* with a few friends, and as night went on and everybody started feeling bored and frustrated, Kaizen whipped up some pancakes for us :D:D:D:D:D he can totally make a good housewife. And he kept telling me to learn to cook. Okay fine, I probably should.

I do have funny friends. Yesterday I borrowed Kaizen's funny-if-not-a-little-absurd flat-ish bunny doll to hug during studying, and Maura took his Happy Punch doll, and Basta took out his Donald Duck doll. At the end of the day I hugged the bunny doll and played the Donald Duck, no concentration whatsoever for the notes in front of me. If the whole thing sounds pretty absurd, it's because it was indeed.

Exam in a few days time and I'm kinda freaking out, and I should be. Sighsighsighhhh.

No, not that song please

2011-11-13T20:03:00.002+08:00

Until yesterday, I couldn't get "Someone Like You" out of my head.

It is a great song indeed, all the more so because it is so sad, probably. But it's kind of disturbing to keep singing that sad song in my mind every time your mind is idle. Which happened to me.

It got to a point where I thought, that song is so popular it feels like it's making sentimentality and sadness fashionable. Fine, being sad and emo and all is normal and human. But different people are sad for different reasons. Fine, being romantic creatures and mostly adolescences make love one of the biggest problem, exaggerated or not, which makes the song all the more significant. Fine, brokenheartedness is... well, you know. But the song is so good, so ... representative? that suddenly everyone seems to be emotional about the same thing and singing the same song.

Being an emo person, I probably do not have any right to say anything about it (hell, I couldn't take that song out of my head for a few days). But I find it a little puzzling, if not amazing.

But yeah.

One thing that disturbs me now is that I do not know what I should think about before I go to sleep. So much is my confusion, so dear is my sleep to me, that I finally asked Basta and Henry yesterday. Their answer? Typical or maybe not typical. I think Basta actually answered "Fishes swimming in the sea" at first (he is such a joker) then finally he said he doesn't know, he usually does not think about anything (how nice). Henry was more cooperative, giving a range of answer, from thinking what to do the day after until singing a song (I threatened him not to sing nyan cat song), and ended with "...but finally you'll think, f*** it, and go to sleep."

I suppose so. In my case, I was trying pretty hard not to sing "Someone Like You" before I go to sleep. I'll consciously think: "NO, NOT THIS SONG PLEASE" and went to.... I don't know. Sigh.

But I suppose all's well that ends well, so yea, as long as I fall asleep.

Last night I only slept for about 4.5 hours or so, and funnily enough I woke up pretty easily this morning, went to church, had coffee to ensure that I'd keep awake; and I was and I am. It's just that my brain wiring is probably going to go funny soon enough.

And I'm thinking that I am really a little control-freak-ish.

Resilience and The Place to Belong

2011-11-08T23:28:00.002+08:00

Let's face it, I'm lacking in the "resilience" department.

Things are not always unbearably hard when I decide to stop. I'm thinking that it's probably impulsiveness, stubbornness, or simply some different way of thinking of mine. No, strike 'different'. Put 'weird' there.

I can think all night long and come to no conclusion, but on other matters I seem to be able to make split-second decisions, knowing full well I might regret them in the end.

So yea, stupidity versus resilience - stupidity wins for me, apparently.

Not that I'm sincerely complaining here, I'm just slightly amazed and amused. I guess I really am a little absurd.

On a lighter note, I watched House and THE BOYS ARE BACK! And they make it all the more funny and worthwhile. I was so happy I couldn't stop smiling watching. And it dawned upon me that probably what makes me love the show so much is not simply about its ingenuity, the awesome main character, or the mystery. Maybe I love it so much because it's also about dysfunctional people with each his/her own problem finding a place he/she can feel that she truly belongs. Like House, solving cases and messing with practically everyone close to him. Or the team, who always have a hard time but always come back because, oh well, I suppose they love it there.

Glad they love it, I love them there.

To Find

2011-11-07T23:37:00.003+08:00

Last night I had a paranoid attack. If it has any specific meaning at all. But for me it was quite literal - I was okay, probably a bit bored, then suddenly - BAM! - some landmines in my mind exploded, leaving me anxious and scared.

The fear has been kept dormant in my mind for quite some time. The thing about fear is that even though you try to think it's not there, inevitably you know it's there. It does not simply exist - fear haunts you. For me, it's probably the first thing I had been thinking about when I wake up these past few days. So you see, those mental landmines were pretty real.

It is not that I was not okay. I was okay. In a sense that I am not sad, I am not hurt. A little empty, but without pain. I am okay. Living day by day with smiles, laughter, probably silly little things to conquer boredom.

But if someone asks if I'm happy, it would be rather tricky to answer. I don't like saying I'm unhappy. I think the first step in feeling something is to actually admit it. So I don't like saying that I'm unhappy because it would be admitting, ergo I would actually be unhappy. No. Unless I have very good reason to say that I am unhappy, I would not like to say that I am unhappy.

But being happy has its distinct characteristics, and I suppose I'm somewhat missing them. So I'd say that I'm feeling a little empty.

But that was not the first time, and not implying that I was not okay.

But those landmines - well, I was ridiculously scared. To the point that I had to talk it out, put it in words, to a friend who I guess practically have no idea what I was so scared about. I wrote essay-like monologue, filled with falling metaphors, without doubt making him concerned enough to give me a few virtual hugs (laughs. Really. I have really sweet friends).

I remembered something about "giving darkness a name" in QED. You know, the point about being scared because we do not know what is ahead? Precisely my fear. So give it a name. Know it. And stop fearing.

I guess that was what I did with that conversation. To embody my fear in words. To let someone know it, to make it exist in form I can understand, and others can understand.

And it did make me feel better.

Having awesome friends do help a lot. But I guess I have a rather funny mechanism of keeping myself balanced somehow. And curiously enough, I often find comfort in words. I talk to people when I am agitated, I write, I scribble random words, I read. If not for fluid mechanics, maybe I would have spent all day devouring articles. Bathed my mind in words, of mine, of others, calmed it down.

So.

I just hope that I will remember this feeling for a long time. The feeling of being okay, the feeling of knowing that I can do things that makes it unnecessary to fear, the feeling of being somewhat free and light.

Hello, it's me again

2011-11-03T13:34:00.003+08:00

Hello, here I am again.

It's been long, and I still miss you.

Life's a little tough, and rain's falling pretty often,

and I imagine you'd be concerned with my health.

If I tell you I drank a little,

would you be mad?

Oh, just a little, really,

probably you would let it go.

But not without some motherly advises, surely.

If I tell you I'm tired,

that things do not go the way I really want them to,

that there are some disappointments,

that I'm as always, so careless,

what would you tell me?

You'd probably console me,

simply by having faith in me,

just like you did, you always did.

Even when I lost faith in myself.

I want to go home to you.

To know that after this tiresome journey

I can just go back, curl up in your cuddle.

Let all the worries be far far away.

Childish desire, true.

And it hurts that the only certainty I have

is knowing that it never will be.

It's been years.

A thousand eternal roses.

I wish my love for you could be.

For a love eternal.

For someone who will not cease to be in my mind.

I Have Funny Friends

2011-10-28T23:38:00.003+08:00

I'll bid the day good night soon, but I can't help but write for fear of some nightmares should I fail to express myself in some ways.

This evening is kinda hard, I'm trying to finish this little jerk, this cheat sheet, well in that case a little jerk that would probably save my life tomorrow, but that means going through about 10 sets of lecture notes or so. So yea, if you see the problem here.

Anyway, thank God I have friends who do know how to lift some spirits up.

Some things my friends do/say:

Henry : "Hidup itu seperti Jebay. Pendek dan geje."

Basta : *posting digimon frontier soundtrack on facebook* --> that made my day!

Kaizen : *after I described some sinful eating experience* "KOK LU KURUS SIH??" --> followed by judgmental look at him, from everyone.

Dhea : " Love is like 70% dark chocolate."

Okay I have a writer's block here. That's about all I remember. Pity.

Anyway, it starts raining. Me is happy again. Hahahaha :D

Because I'm Sleepy

2011-10-27T23:33:00.002+08:00

I'm making a (legal) cheat sheet for an upcoming quiz on Saturday and darn I'm just so sleepy. But I'm kinda scared to sleep, well, of course aside from the fact that there's this thing to be finished. But sleep kinda makes me worried now that I've had many not-so-peaceful-sleep-nights, although luckily now sleep comes more easily than these past few days - weeks - I lost track.

I just finished my tutorial and it felt good. Hahahaha. Damn integration, but yea, solving you felt good.

I'm listening to Joe Hisaishi's music accompanied by generated rain sound from rainymood, and how I wish it really rains outside, so that it will be cool and nice. But it doesn't, but this is good enough. Though it makes me even sleepier. Could there be such a thing like addicted to rain?

It rained this afternoon when I was doing my laundry. Thank God for dryer, yes. Actually I had been sleepy since this morning that I fell asleep waiting for my laundry (I didn't accidentally fall asleep, I did plan to sleep. I often do when waiting for my laundry. It makes it easier to wake up when you need to move your laundry).

Sports day after that was pretty fun, running under a light drizzle. I was so out of breath. That is the result of severe lack of exercise. Silly lazy girl. Ah, it's alright. It doesn't bother me most of the time. But I admit it would be great if I can be physically stronger.

I feel like reading some poems. Well, poems do have their charm. But sometimes they're simply hard. And a sense of language is another matter, too. But they're just pretty cool because of the emotions and subtlety. And quoting poems might be the most romantic thing ever (yes, still intoxicated by Time Traveller's Wife).

Talking about good stories, I was just thinking that some authors are great only in their first books probably because they've waited all their life to produce that one single book. So that book is not just a result for few years' hard work, but the embodiment of their thoughts, their feelings, their journey, all their lives. Could it be?

A few days ago my friends kindly and very nicely celebrated my birthday by cooking for us. It was kind of heartwarming, haphazard scene - you know, like three girls and a bunch of guys walking around chopping garlic and cooking pasta and having these stupid talks we always have. I drank a little, actually more than usual, since it was, well, special, and after that I can feel my reaction slowing. So it's concluded that I have low treshold. Well. And I welcome another addition to my room, a Domo doll. He/she accompanies me at night now, sitting peacefully beside my pillow.

I'm listening to a song called Impossible Dream. I had this conversation with my absurd friends this morning. One of them is telling us about part of his dream and I told them that I dreamed that I fell into a lake (I could actually feel the sensation of water and aquatic plants in my dream), swam to the shore, and suddenly the setting change to something of a snow mountain. And my friends (who are all guys) commented that girls' dreams are pretty detailed and elaborate, while men's are pretty simple. Then one of them actually told us that he dreamed that A and B (two of our other friends) are actually cyborg, one cyborg in fact, with interchangeable heads. And they say it's simple.

It Doesn't Always Make Sense

2011-10-19T12:32:00.002+08:00

There are times, out of some desperation, when I try to rationalize things that disturb me - well, feelings, mostly, because other things usually do not need rationalization when they are already rational - and most of the time, I will manage to but it doesn't make me feel better. Knowing something is right does not mean feeling it as well. That's just a rather unfortunate side of it.

But let's get real. It does not always make sense, especially when you talk about feelings. Or it might make perfect sense to me, and not to others. Like when my dear friend confided to me about her problems, I understood it perfectly - why she did certain things, and I know that I would do the same it it were me. But some other people might think it unreasonable and irrational. It's a matter of perspective, I guess, putting one into another's shoes.

Yes, it does not always make sense. There are times when I want to reduce emotional decision into simple cost-benefit analysis, being a fan of economics. But reaching a logical decision does not mean that I would like to do it, not at all. That desire - to keep or not to keep, to wait or not to wait, to be with or not be with - does not always make sense. It's ultimately our irrational feelings that get in the way of our rationality.

Is that counter-evolutionary? Or it's just the way humans are wired? Brilliance of logical arguments aside, I can never get round to ignore my own feelings - as much as I would love to sometimes. In the end they still control my every action, every turn I take in the crossroad. Sometimes I feel stupid afterwards, sometimes I am thankful. It's almost like a fifty-fifty probability, I cannot really say what's best.

But I can say that endorsing my feelings make me happier. Getting into a logical decision almost never make me really happy. I'm fine with it, but it doesn't make me happy. But when it comes to feelings, it either destroys you or make you. Such amazing little thing, it is. To throw you down in the dumps one second and send you to the seventh heaven in another.

Well, considering that argument, probably my own feeling is more of a jerk than anybody else in my life. And let's face another unfortunate thing : we're probably always a little in love, if not completely in love, with jerks, aren't we.

Still

2011-10-12T22:50:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I want to freeze time.

Stay in a moment of bliss, pure happiness, for all eternity.

WRITE!

2011-10-11T15:16:00.003+08:00

I've just finished rereading Time Traveller's Wife - in the midst of assignments and homeworks and lectures to catch up on, yes - and I love it. I just love it, just like I did. I like it so much I actually have to constantly telling myself not to buy the book (for all the good reasons, you know, such as having to constantly move from one room to another) but really I might just do.

The thing with reading something I like so much is that it will leave me with a strong urge to write, so here I am. It's the funny thing my brain does: like when I read too much manga I'll want to draw something, but it's especially apparent with good reads - my brain will just start constructing random sentences and instruct me, "Write! WRITE!" Which I usually heed but I'll lose my train of thought somewhere in the middle of writing and I'll just scrap them altogether. Yes, it happens frequently.

Not lately, though. Lately I've been kinda busy, probably busiest I've ever been for as long as I remember. Busy and incredibly stressed, too. All those assignments that seem as if they're going nowhere. It's never a good thing, isn't it. I have to consciously telling myself to take it easy, and even after that I usually do not listen to my own advice. Do you see something seriously stupid in that?

Anyway today I heard myself and skipped my morning lecture, yes I did, but I couldn't go back to sleep because my door was rattling and I kinda hoped it would magically stop but it didn't. That's the only downside of rainy days, I suppose. I just put some dampeners and -fingers crossed- hope that it will work (I tested it, and while the rattling is still possible, the amplitude is significantly decreased - and as I thought it, I thought about the science, and thought to myself - oh well I'm a geek!). But I skipped lecture, yes, and read the book.

The thing about the book is it's just so lovely, comforting, and emotional that I feel comfortable immersing myself in it. I find (again) books greatly comforting as they transfer my mind elsewhere. I've been looking for good books to read in case of depression or loneliness and find that it works quite well, if not somewhat.

The thing about loneliness is that it's eating you up nearly physically. It's like the bad cousin of the usual 'mind over matter'. Most of the time it's painful and let's face it, sad. And it's hard to shake off, too.

One good it does me is that I began to notice other people's kindness more, as I usually did but somehow have long forgotten probably because I'm so preoccupied with myself (yeah, me). It's great to have people telling you to come play more often if you're bored or call you for a quick escape. Yes that kind of thing. It's great to have someone looks for you and cry to you because she knows that you understand. I have no talent for comforting people, but listening is one thing I can do well, I suppose.

And now I'm sleepy. Oh well. Time to go back to assignments.

Stepping Out

2011-09-30T21:33:00.002+08:00

I'm feeling very sleepy and it's only 9:30. I guess it's because I slept late last night (didn't wake up for morning classes, blaming partly the weather) or probably because of midterm just now. But it's all over, yay, and here I come, tutorials and long neglected lectures. Damn.

Life's been sort of a boring roller coaster; full of its ups and downs but seems really slow, except during the holiday when it passed like a flash. That aside I'm feeling out of sorts, probably because I haven't been going out much and I think it's killing me a little. No seriously, I've never thought of myself as a hedonist - whatever - but turns out stoicism has pretty much escaped me and now I'm finding myself feeling really bored and dull and jaded.

Trying to some stock good reads - I just finished One Day by David Nicholls (which left me groaning, too - I can relate to the feelings but to be honest I am hoping for more emotional investment) and Battle Hymn of Tiger Mother by Amy Chua (it's quite funny and somehow enlightening and kinda warm, in a sense. And I finished it on Julian's kindle - kind of shows how much free time I spent with him, eh?) and now I'm picking up The Interpretation of Murder (which made me wonder, why did it sound so familiar? Apparently the writer is Amy Chua's husband and I'm positive she mentioned this in her book. Nice one, my memory).

Been head over heels over Dr.Who and Karen Gillan - geez she's extremely pretty! And I'm thinking I probably have a thing for black and white pictures. Hmmmm.

Two days ago I finally had a cry, yes a good cry, which almost drove me insane with misery. I was one step away from doing something which I really should not, and luckily I didn't, thanks to an extensive effort of distracting myself. It was so sad, the memories that came pouring into my mind, into the highlight, all the what could-have-beens that could NOT have, and me knowing that is probably the saddest thing of all. I asked basta for an emo song (yes, when I mourn, I go all out) and one of them made me cried again.

But it's alright now. Well I hope it is. Either way I have to pick myself up and sort out my act, it's getting more costly to be in a mess right now. I mean seriously. We all have our hard time, and it's just one of them, I suppose.

Talk Over a Cup of Coffee

2011-09-10T10:26:00.002+08:00

That would be great, right? But no, no cup of coffee, nobody to talk it over with either. Just me, and a stack of homework, readings, books, and stationery. And of course my loyal laptop who stays with me in sadness and in joy. So far.

This kind of thing should be reserved for some late-night thinking. Darkness fit emo-ness better (haha). But no, it's morning, the sun is shining brightly, and I was progressing well into my reading when I thought about that title and decided I should write. Hell, I hope there will come a day when I suddenly think of a brilliant title and produce as brilliant a book. It sounds a little like magic, right? Or miracle. But anyway.

I've been kinda weak, at least emotionally, lately. Physically... hm, I do take caffeine more often now, thanks to this nudging conscience to wake up during classes. But I think I do sleep enough, eat well, sufficiently dosed with sweets too. Yes.

Back to that emotional weakness. Last night I was feeling so bad I thought I am on the verge of depression and it was getting hard to sleep and I have to admit the thought of just drinking myself to sleep did occur (terrifyingly, yes? Considering it's me). But I laughed it off in my mind, thinking how silly I am to even think about it (it did sound tempting for a while). Well if one thing, it shows how desperate I was. Thankfully - and strangely, too - suddenly calmness swept through me, and I did not just feel it in my mind. I think it was not a result of my suggestion whatsoever (believe me I was too distracted to think myself into being calm). My whole body actually felt it - the palpitation stopped, my ears were cooling, I could breathe slowly, and drifted myself to sleep. It's such a bless - or else I was gonna stay awake all night, I think, not being able to cry or vent. It was so terrible.

Honestly, I don't know why I felt as such. Of course, there's this one thing.... but I should be stronger than that, much stronger even. So I don't really know why, or how, I actually felt that way. All I know is it was just so terrible I'd probably want to do anything to make it stop. Luckily it did.

The more geeky side of me wants to think that it's some hormonal imbalance (well, speaking from experience, my worst days (excluding those days) were usually result of hormonal imbalance and some indifferent people who I hoped could care more), and that it will all be okay. But unfortunately I don't know. I really really don't know. It's getting to me, and it probably will do bad to others, too. Sigh.

On a much more positive note, I'm crazy about Cosmic Love by Florence + The Machines right now. I first heard it on one Nikita scene, and it was amazing. Simply. And it made me so happy.

Lately, I

2011-09-07T00:23:00.002+08:00

1. Don't feel like going to sleep.

2. Understand some things better; appreciate some things more.

3. Listen to some particular songs that ring so true.

4. Crave for homemade food and sweet things.

Too Much

2011-08-30T22:45:00.002+08:00

I just watched a Korean movie titled "A Moment to Remember", and damn it was so sweet I cried like a river. So charming, so cute. Now I feel exhausted.

I feel that I'm being more absurd than I usually am. I probably really am. It's tiring. So many things to say, so little word in my head. It's frustrating.

Tilted Self

2011-08-24T19:58:00.003+08:00

Okay, I have a lab report due, a stack of readings, tutorials, and a few lecture notes to catch up on. Now it all does not seem that relaxed anymore.

My life has not been normal, still. Let's see a few things that has been happening lately.

1. I had to go to NUH one fine Friday night, two weeks ago. It was that head-spinning accident that got blown out of proportion partly by my stupidity and paranoia - but hey, when you're vomiting and tired and you could not even sleep because the world spins when you lie down, you'd pretty much want to do anything to make it better (I regretted it A LOT after I got an injection on my bottom and it stayed painful for a little more than a day). Luckily (unluckily for them probably, hahaha), there were knights without the shining armor who selflessly helped me get there, waited for me and even checked up on me the day after; thanks Rudy, Ayto and Kaizen!

2. I am eating roughly the same food everyday. I know I did that too last semester, but at least it's food that I actually like. Right now I'm longing for some nice food and stinginess is developing inside me due to the actually expensive meal plan that makes me feel guilty for skipping. And I eat bacon almost every other day. I think that streak will only end when I notice extra fats in undesirable parts.

3. I haven't been watching series for some time. Usually when I am down and troubled I'll watch Friends for some comfort - IT'S TRUE. I haven't watched them for quite some time and it's like tripping me off balance. Talk about being addicted.

4. This is not to be taken literally; it's just my thought. It's like an unbalance flow of time; sometimes it's so fast it's kinda disappointing, sometimes it's very slow and painful. It is almost as if there is a shift in the gravity. Some great force pulling me to all kinds of wrong directions. So it's like the dimension is distorted; everything does not look like it was before. It's confusing. And it keeps going forward. Life goes on. It's not as if I have the luxury to stand still.

5. And, of course. If I can give an analogy for my life - my time, attention and whatever else - as a sphere that occupies time and space, right now it's the absence of someone who used to occupy most of that sphere. Or probably giving that sphere some special position in time and space. As much as I would like to think that it does not matter, it is different. Be it for the worse or for the better. Right now I feel like deconstructing that sphere and probably just create another form. I don't know.

Well, a personal favourite right now is Kris Allen's "Live Like We're Dying". No comment about this, I don't feel like getting into "live your life to the fullest" thing although that's what we're supposed to do every single day. I just want something that keeps me to the ground. To feel the earth when I walk. To keep me floating and not drowning.

We're hiding behind skin that's too tough

How come we don't say I love you enough

The Smell of You in Every Single Dream I Dream

2011-08-22T21:34:00.002+08:00

I'm exhausted. Really. I don't know why, it's not as if I'm doing anything resembling hard work lately.

I'm in a weird weird mood. Oh well.

Maybe I need some sugar.

What Am I Supposed to Do

2011-08-15T23:05:00.002+08:00

With these empty hands and empty head.

The more conscientious, ambitious me is shouting at me to do something more productive aside from, well, wasting away.

But I'm kinda telling myself that I've done quite a lot today and it's time to relax and rest a bit.

It's late, anyway.

There are some things that I want frozen in time, just still and intact as they were the moment they were. Then put myself between them and let myself be frozen in time, too.

I'm practically useless right now.

2011-08-12T21:11:00.002+08:00

I had 4 lectures in total today; and even though I slept right through one of them it's still pretty damn tiring. No kidding. After that lecture that I slept through, I went back to my room to sleep for 45 minutes or so and woke up feeling like a zombie. I drank almost a cup of milk tea-with-less-sugar after that, and I think the caffeine kept me up until my the end of my lecture at 8pm. But after 7 I started feeling a little dizzy - it's either the caffeine or the fact that I had not had my dinner that did it, I don't know which.

The dizziness stays until now it makes me practically useless. Here I am sitting, chilling out a little before heading for a long bath. I tried to continue reading Norwegian Wood, but after one paragraph it's as if someone tilted the floor 60 degree and my head started to spin. Yes it is that bad. And it's not like I'm actually sleepy. So yes, probably it's the caffeine that does this.

So probably (or definitely) I should heed the advice to take care of my health a little bit more. A little bit? I suppose. Now I realize that I am a bit crazy. Well maybe some controlled eating in order? Cut down on sugar, drink plenty of water, sleep enough? That's about it, I suppose. Some days I hope I have more than 24 hours a day. Sigh.

Chocolate Cake

2011-08-11T19:53:00.003+08:00

This is the first day of school, and it's as if someone jumbled up the bus schedule and the whole NUS flooded the campus all at the same time. Waiting for the bus was kinda terrible today, not really sure why. But maybe it's been that way all along - I just happened to miss the peak period (consistently) the previous semesters.

Anyway I got a burn on my finger from pouring cream soup - can you believe it? Pouring soup! And it hurts like hell, really, it was so madly hurting. I'm not exaggerating (well, the hell part is exaggerated, but not the mad one). I almost dropped my soup bowl (luckily I didn't) and I couldn't bring myself to raise the fork for too long I ate mostly with only spoon today. Even after I applied some aloevera it's still hurting right now. It's clumsy, as if it's not a part of my body. Damn damn. How stupid am I? But well, let's just learn this the hard way : patience.

Anyway I'm longing for some sweet things right now. I wonder why I love sweets. Maybe it's a placebo, but I do think they make me a little more cheerful, if not a little high (well, a little high mostly). The only things stopping me are, well, the fact that I have to save (I blame housing bill for that) and maybe the fear of getting extra fats. Sigh. What's with girls and sweets? It's almost like a love-hate relationship. Probably more love than hate for me.

I'm thinking that maybe what you think and feel when you're alone shows who you truly are. In the topic of loneliness, my dear friend once said : "I like being alone when I'm the only one, but I don't like when I'm alone in a crowded place." Which I agreed to. Well, like now, I'm alone, thinking. Trying to get words out of my head because I like it. And probably try to know myself better as well. And here I am thinking that something's different now in my lonesomeness; it's not really all that dreary. I've forgotten how it felt, but I think it's different.

I'd like to think that I can take things easy. To try to have a little faith. To see things differently. To value myself much more than I probably ever did. To believe that I can accomplish things I want. To dream and to wake up in the morning knowing that the world is on my side. To make things beautiful. To hold and not let go. To smile and close my eyes and not feel afraid.

It's like having a cherry on top. And knowing that there's a melted chocolate inside.

An Early Morning

2011-08-09T10:20:00.002+08:00

There is a phrase hanging at the back of my head.

And I can't remember it. I can't remember if it's something I read somewhere or something I wrote before. But it is there. And it goes like:

"It was a love like...."

And it's bugging me badly.

And I feel like sleeping all day.

Been long since I last did that. Slacking away and sleeping all day, yes. It's terribly boring, probably, but it feels nice, no?

Anyway I feel like I need some normality in life and probably it will give me exactly that. Not really sure, though. Happiness do give you energy everyday; but somewhere in between you can be drained nonetheless.

But I'll have to work later.

Yes I'm working (kinda) now, and I guess it's time to learn some responsibility.

And I suppose I'll have my reward later, for being such a good kid.

Will I? :)

Moving

2011-08-06T22:52:00.002+08:00

I moved in to a new place a few days ago. And being a nomad (by circumstances) I am supposed to have been used to moving from one place to another; but still it has a weird feeling to it - moving. Furthermore after I moved I've hardly spent a day in my new room - with all the stuff going on, the room feels more like a hotel room I go back to after a day's trip rather than my own cozy room.

The room itself is not bad at all. It's - well - new and shiny, because it's really new. When I arrived the spring bed was still covered in plastic and I had kind of a hard time taking it out because the springbed is pretty heavy. Dusty floor but new and clean furniture. It is an apartment with six single bedrooms and one bathroom. Pretty nice, actually.

And the complex itself is kinda nice. By nice I mean high-rise, glass-covered building surrounded by neat walkways, trees, with one big grassy field at the center. One foodcourt and a 24-hour Starbucks with outdoor seats. To quote Kaizen : it's like an elite housing complex. Which is true. It's as if I'm not staying on campus at all.

But still it feels strangely distant, and probably the last time I felt like that was when I first went to Singapore, which was a LONG time ago. Other times did not feel as hard, probably because I have many people around. This time, though, is kinda different.

So I guess I have to be grateful that I joined the orientation because it kinda took my mind off things. I AM an escapist. It can't be helped, I guess.

But escaping never solves any problems, and the last few nights every time I was asleep I dreamed of things which I cannot remember anymore right now, but they gave me such sense of loss. A sense of loss. I don't know what exactly; I guess I've been losing many things that my conscious self cannot even point what exactly it is. Whatever it is my unconscious pointed out, it's not nice. It kinda deprived me of truly good night sleep. To be exact it leaves a bitter aftertaste.

Well, this is one day when I'm feeling kind of crazy, and I probably am crazy. And it's been long since I try to put together sentences to make some meanings. Something.

Packed Away

2011-07-31T17:37:00.003+08:00

I just read One Piece, and it is so good I can safely say that I probably missed out a good six-year or so not reading that since the very beginning. I should have known; the statistics do look good. It made me cry so much it practically strip me bare of all defenses against various emotions. I find myself crying for the littlest thing.

But now that I am here, bring it on. I definitely want more.

These few days have been slightly busy because of the weighing consciousness that I have to pack; but aside from that it's been great. Right now I really really don't feel like moving out. And packing has been soo dreadful, mainly because I have too many stuff and there was this thing about battling cockroach (me rising victorious, surprisingly. Two things I learnt : 1. DO keep a bottle of insecticide, and 2. heels are not too shabby for killing cockroaches). Must be the worst packing I've ever had.

This is what I thought about one fine day; probably after reading One Piece *it's amazing how much wisdom you can derive from a manga. A good manga, of course*. Impossibility is probably a romantic thing. It sets limit to human achievement. Well being such arrogant creatures I'd say some limits are good. Those who manage to get beyond the impossibility are the brave, the courageous, and I suppose the genius. So I guess in a way impossibility is creating a distinction between "just good" and "great".

Well, here I am killing time and try not to sleep because I've packed away my bedsheets and pillows. And here's something I wrote one night, quite sometime ago, when (it seems that) I was a little emo and cheesy (most of the time, I'm both, I know).

I want to make a wish to a star

and wait for it to fall

so that my wish shall be granted.

If I could write on the sand

and beg the wind and the sea to lot let it vanish

I will write a story one should never forget.

If I could have the wind sings for me

I'll send it to you, with my words of love.

The End

2011-07-23T21:25:00.003+08:00

It's not that I do not think that it does not deserve a dedication; I just think that it should not be sugarcoated. It's harsh and painful, and it should stay that way until time says otherwise.

-------------

It's like stopping the time. Watching the sand suspended in the air. No movements, just you. Still.

--------------

So here I am. Looking back. The long lost love buried somewhere deep, not to be seen. And I turn to walk away.

--------------

Taking a handful of sand from the mountain of memories. Remembrance of you. And bid my farewell.

The Familiar Feeling

2011-07-19T00:38:00.002+08:00

"To me, she is a hopelessly annoying woman."

- Asao, Karakuri Odette

Okay, that's a strange line to be quoted - but it felt awesome reading it. Hahaha. I'm a big fan of dishonest-yet-so-sweet guys. I guess. Well, at least those in the stories.

Days have been pretty tiring but pretty fun. I guess all's about give and take. Is it? Well. I have fun. It's great. I wish for more sleep, true *laugh* but then probably for the rest of the holiday I can have as much sleep as I want.

I feel like singing, somehow. I guess I am having some kind of eerily familiar feeling. The whole atmosphere and all. Sigh. Maybe I really am an emo girl.

Cool Day

2011-07-12T12:41:00.003+08:00

The heart wants what the heart wants.

- Penny, The Big Bang Theory

The weather's been extremely comforting I really really want to wrap myself with blanket and sleep all day. Cannot do that, unfortunately. And it would just be too lazy. And laziness (despite me wishing otherwise) is a sin, no?

I just had probably the best sleep I've had for some time; it feels great. And the rain's been kind to me. I always love rain at night. Dumdumdum.

I finally watched The Little Thing Called Love, and it was so pretty. Funny, stupid, sweet and sad. The best combination. And I am crazy. Yes I am. No probably they are crazy, to make a movie like that. But I love it. I think I love crazy people. The crazy-in-a-good-way-s. Yes I do sound a bit high because I'm trying to keep myself occupied and distancing myself from the bed.

I'm stupid. Things I want to understand most are probably things I don't understand most. Some things I don't want to know. I am just too scared. Although usually things are not as bad as they seem, somethings do. Or even worse. So I am scared. I want to know, but I don't want to know. It's not a nice feeling. For such a nice weather, especially. It feels funny. It's like there are two of me inside of me and they are not talking to each other. Just staring at a point in space blankly. Stupid me.

You know sometimes when you watch a movie, all you can remember about it is just one thing? Apparently it's pretty normal.

Crazy, Irrational and Emotional

2011-07-09T12:58:00.002+08:00

I couldn't sleep well last night. Every one hour or so I would wake up, feeling like I haven't slept at all. Until about 5am. At 5 I was actually really awake, switching on the lights, looking at my room and trying to get back to sleep - while wondering if I should just wake up instead. After some time I was pretty much gone, thankfully.

So - terrible sleep. At least the dream was not that terrible. I think a little creepy but not terrible.

I think I'm in the mood for watching An Education or read Dead Poet Society. Yes I have not really read that book - I read the Indonesian version (which was kinda gloomy - I think I have an uncanny skill in picking up translated books) but anyway I DID NOT understand it. Either it's bad translation or the meaning was lost in translation, I did not understand it, it did not leave an impression to me. Which is not... supposed to be, right? Considering it's me, and it's Dead Poet Society. Come on.

Anyway last night I felt like screaming and all until I came to a point where I calmed down, and only after that did the people whom I called out to to scream to replied me. *Laughs.* God works in mysterious ways, true. Usually better than expected. Well, I was happy. Kind of.

I'm kinda crazy, definitely irrational and at times so emotional I wonder how people actually put up with me (I love you guys for that! :D).

footprints on the sand

2011-07-06T11:45:00.002+08:00

It was a love like a footprints in a sand.

Watching that person walks away and never take a look back

felt as if the image of his back alone was trying to shut my heart out

by always staying one step ahead of me.

I am

the sandy beach that is washed away with every wave,

leaving not a single footprint.

My love towards you

is like the quite sand,

will soundlessly

disappear.

- Hidaka Banri, Hitsuji no Namida

Personally I prefer the Indonesian translation, which I forgot but I think is better than this, but this one is pretty nice too. But above all, the idea is superb.

I like this story a lot. Maybe because I read it somewhere in a significant juncture of my life. And probably because it's a little poetic.

I don't know why I thought about that part this morning. And now that I think about it, I don't know how exactly is the love that is mentioned in that part. From the story, I think it's supposed to be a one-sided love. But why is it like a sand that will disappear? Because it seems like something that holds, even when it's one sided. Is it from the point of view of the other person, the person that is loved? Because it is a one sided love, it does not leave a mark in the other person's heart. You can continue to walk, leaving footprints, but in the end it will disappear.

I don't really know, and it's a little sad, but it's still good.

Makhluk Pemakan Keju

2011-07-01T00:18:00.002+08:00

Maksudnya semacam tikus, begitu? Sepertinya sih nggak, soalnya ternyata tikus itu lumayan menyebalkan/menyeramkan. Nggak seperti hamster ato marmut.

Lucunya IKEA ternyata ngejual boneka tikus yang bentuknya kayak tikus rumah, bukan tikus yang imut-imut. Diskusi dengan maura membawa kami pada kesimpulan kalau mungkin anak kecil sukanya kadang aneh-aneh, jadi mungkin tikus yang buat kebanyakan orang keliatan menjijikkan aja bisa jadi menyenangkan.

Ya seperti dede jebay yang dulu suka banget sama sigung. Padahal seperti yang telah diceritakan di cerita masa kecil, sigung kan mengeluarkan bau yang ga sedap (ya nggak bisa disalahin sih, kan ceritanya itu buat melindungi diri sendiri. Kalau dipikir-pikir, buat makhluk kecil begitu, itu sebenernya senjata yang cukup ampuh *inget Richard Gere dan Hachi di Hachiko*). Yah tapi setidaknya kan sigung tampangnya masi agak lucu. Mungkin malah keren, hitam dengan garis putih (keren kayak dihighlight?). Dan kalo dipikir-pikir keren juga suka sama sigung, habisnya kayaknya anak kecil kan ngga banyak yang tau soal sigung.

Kalo bukan tikus, kenapa makhluk pemakan keju. Hmmm kenapa ya. Sepertinya ini seperti saat dimana muridnya tante jebay memutuskan untuk menggunakan "Sehelai Selada" untuk menjadi 'judul' kata pengantar makalahnya, bukannya "Sekapur Sirih" sebagaimana yang biasanya dilakukan. Perfectly random, but well-reasoned; caused by extreme frustration. Iya mungkin demikian. Bagian well-reasoned-nya, yah, cuma karena barusan jebay makan keju aja.

Dan mungkin karena "makhluk pemakan keju" itu mengingatkan jebay pada guru jebay yang ternyata bisa melucu dengan muka datar. Memegang sehelai kertas contoh soal ujian, beliau membaca, "Beruang adalah makhluk pemakan nori...."

Pada saat itu jebay dan teman jebay tercinta langsung kaget dan dengan nggak percaya menuduh sang guru berbohong. Sang guru dengan muka meyakinkan berkata kalau beliau nggak berbohong, "Lihat nih."

Tentu saja beliau berbohong. Kalau kata nori bisa masuk soal ujian berbahasa Indonesia, entah apa konteksnya.

Sekedar info menarik, beliau bilang begitu soalnya dulu teman jebay tercinta suka banget sama nori, bahkan sebelum makanan itu cukup populer di Indo (yah waktu itu kayaknya kami masih kelas 6 atau kelas 1 SMP deh). Dan teman jebay tersayang itu dulu dipanggil teph-bear. Jadilah sang beruang pemakan nori. Sekarang ngerti kan kenapa jebay geje. Sepertinya sejak dulu jebay memang dikelilingi orang-orang dengan daya pikir, kreativitas sekaligus keisengan yang luar biasa. Pengaruh lingkungan memang menyeramkan!

Sekedar komentar, rasanya lucu menyebut guru jebay yang luar biasa itu sebagai "beliau", sebab dulu kami memanggil beliau (haha) P.Ot. Beliau sendiri sering menyebut dirinya Mr.OK (akronim, bukan mister oke). Guru yang sebenarnya cukup ajaib. Dan suka bagi-bagi tango (wafer itu loh). Saat dimana jebay dan teman masi berguru pada beliau adalah masa dimana jebay paling menyukai tango, terutama yang rasa kacang.

But despite all the apparent absurdity, he's probably the best teacher I've ever had. Ketika jebay lagi bingung mau ngambil apa di uni, kepada beliaulah jebay berpaling. Dan beliau pula yang mengatakan kalau menjadi perdana menteri adalah cita-cita yang bagus, ketika jebay bertanya, menurut beliau saya cocoknya jadi apa ya. Itu yang beliau katakan - bukannya "pikirkan saja dulu blabla" atau bahkan "coba saja jadi perdana menteri." Jawab beliau, "Miss GC, menjadi perdana menteri adalah cita-cita yang bagus."

Mungkin agak berlebihan sih, tapi mungkin itu satu "totto-chan moment" (hahahaha) yang ada dalam hidup jebay. Yah, mengingat betapa menyedihkannya urusan pendidikan di indo (kadang-kadang, atau mungkin malah seringkali), punya satu momen seperti itu saja sebetulnya mungkin sudah cukup beruntung. Dan kenyataan kalau jebay dulu bertanya begitu pada beliau sebenernya menunjukkan betapa jebay menghargai pendapat dan pemikiran beliau.

And suddenly I got to thinking. You don't have to be great to make an impact to someone else's life. Or maybe it's the other way: you're always great all along. You might have made an impact on someone else's life even without you realizing it (jebay terlalu malas menerjemahkan ke dalam bahasa indo). Jebay nggak yakin guru jebay menyadari betapa beliau diingat dan dihargai. Tetapi itu benar-benar terjadi sekalipun beliau mungkin tidak sadar atau tidak ingat.

Jadi, kenapa makhluk pemakan keju sih?

Well, I don't know, it just feels apt.

When I Know That Happiness is Not Overrated

2011-06-29T14:44:00.002+08:00

"Do you know what my dream is?

I want to gaze at your face all day long, dear."

- Sahara Mizu, Sukima Shiki

Yea, that warm fuzzy feeling. I love it, I love it so. And reading Sahara Mizu's stories gives me that kind of feeling. I'm getting goosebumps. It's just so lovely, so simple. Makes me kinda wish life is like that always. The worries, missed connections (I love that blog too! Hahaha), the love, the wishes, the sincerity, the hidden intentions. Aren't humans amazing.

That's just my type of stories. The ones that makes me smile while reading it.

It's simply an amazing feeling. If I can pour it out, I'll turn it to little dandelions and blow on them so that they will spread and fly through the sky. And find some fertile land and grow and multiply. And the feeling shall get bigger and bigger and the wind shall blow them, too, and spread the happiness.

Really, some things are just too good I don't feel like keeping it for myself.

To Think

2011-06-28T03:06:00.004+08:00

I'm back.

During the "holiday" I had many things in mind that I was actually dying to write here, but now that I'm back they went "poof" out of my head. Pity. So, some things I remember.

I want to make a wish to a star and wait for it to fall.

The concept of hoping or making a wish is indeed very romantic. But probably it's a thin line between hope and desperation? It's hard to say. I've never really think about it, and in this state I don't think thinking it will get me to an answer. Oh well.

And the world spins madly on.

I guess there are times in life when something happens and you feel like the world is collapsing around you, only to find that everything goes on even without you. It's kind of a terrible, poking feeling *ouch* that unfortunately we have to learn to deal with and fortunately goes away, usually, with time.

I'm missing you.

And you probably don't know. I know sometimes I act really insolent even I regret it myself. Many things I do not say, many things I never want you to know (probably, haha). Some people I love most probably do not know the fact that I do, and one day I'll probably regret it. Some people mean to me more than... I don't know, half the world? Hahaha. Some people, without realizing it, have brought so much good in my life but I probably would never tell them.

So I'm missing you. I do. Don't mind it if I do not act like it. Because logically speaking, I miss you when you're not around. And that probably means you'll never know. I laugh with you because you make me happy. I cry when you're not around. I know I'm acting romantic, but deep down I'm a realist. And I'm better when I write like this, as if talking to nobody, but actually : to everybody who means the world to me. Yes, I miss you. Every time you're not around.

Your greatest fear.

Is one you try to forget, every day.

Sleep.

Is an important thing, and for me works as an indicator of how I'm doing.

To know that you still mean something to the people of your past.

It almost brought me to tears. My old maid actually waited for me to come home and when I finally did she cooked something nice for me. That's probably the best thing I ate all holiday.

And I just realized this sounds a little towards the emo side. Hahaha. But I'm actually pretty cheery. Probably it's just the night getting to me.

On Days Like These

2011-05-27T23:37:00.002+08:00

It's on days like these that I miss you most.

When all seems strange, confusing and lonely.

I hope you are there for me.

A few buttons away, a phone call to calm me.

Going home, to you.

Knowing that everything will be alright, because whatever happens, you are there.

How I wish.

Dear Mr. Unicorn

2011-05-26T21:12:00.002+08:00

When you're bored, or silly, or just absurd (like me), you'll think about many things other people would not commonly think about, or want many things that seem impossible.

The less absurd :

- to catch an owl. Or just look at it hoohoo-ing on a tree.

The more absurd :

- to fly to the moon.

- to sit on the clouds watching thunder strikes (this, I think, I get the inspiration from Chim Chim Cherry. They played on the clouds! Isn't that unfair or what).

Other random thoughts:

1. I think Laetitia is a cute name. Mia, too.

2. Cakes are pieces of happiness.

3. To sit in a dimly lit cafe, looking out to the street full of lights with people walking by, listening to a live performance of country songs would always be dreamy.

4. Some things do not always work out the way you want to, but well, maybe it's for your best interest.

5. Results in a few days. *TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT THAT UNTIL THIS MORNING*

6. If I have a child, and he/she wants to have take a long trip in trains across Europe, I would pay for it. Of course if I can. Hell, even I want to do that. *on another note, this thought makes me shudder thinking how my future would be. Not that I assume it would be grave, it just makes me shudder*

7. I don't feel like packing and feel a little scared of going home.

8. Again, cakes.

Nightmare

2011-05-26T11:19:00.001+08:00

I had one of the most terrible nightmare I've had in a long time.

I feel needlessly upset, worried, and (not literally) suffocated right now.

Ooooooohhh screw it.

An Illusion on a Moonless Night

2011-05-25T22:29:00.003+08:00

Life is a swirl of feelings.

It's not boxes of different colours stacked together.

It's more like paints of different colours poured into a large container of water. They go and mix and create something else entirely.

Life is like a room full of things you can see and touch.

Well, I guess I've been running around in that room, playing around and examining things. Sometimes I feel bored or tired. Other very rare times I'd feel that everything is meaningless. They're just junk in an old room. And I'd lie down, disinterested, feeling empty.

Once somewhere I read about someone who was considering to have a tattoo, but she could not decide what she wanted to permanently embed on her skin. And I thought, neither do I! Isn't that really hard? Everything keeps changing : your feelings, people around you, and even yourself. What do you think is that precious you want to have written on yourself for - I don't know, ever?

Today I read that a woman has a tattoo 'Lucky Kid' to remind herself that that 'even when things get tough she has had a very fortunate, lucky life so far'.

I still don't want to have a tattoo (right now my craziest wish so far is to paint my hair ombre with reddish brown. Or maybe buying a pair of pink jeans. No, still the ombre hair). But when I read it I thought that that actually makes sense. Seriously. Whatever else you want embedded on your skin but a reminder (reminds me of Memento, actually)? And that is a pretty good reminder.

I think I need a reminder. Maybe the ombre hair (I'm a stuck-up kid. I'm starting to think I'll really do it). Maybe a good song (yes, good songs always work). Maybe a conversation with a long lost friend. Maybe a nice piece of cake. Maybe a midsummer night's dream. Whatever works.

Life is a journey. You encounter many things along the way that make you the you right now. But some people, I don't know, maybe the only thing they remember of the journey is an illusion they see on one moonless night.

A Crazy Little Thing

2011-05-23T12:46:00.003+08:00

I love the feeling "kyaaaaa"+ "arrrrghhhh" at the same time - not really sure how to express that feeling in one word. Considering the precision of English language, I'm pretty sure there is a word to express that feeling. Or if English fails me, there's always Japanese. Well, if I don't have to express it in one word, it would be "the feeling of helplessness due to unbearable sweetness" *should I try googling that and see if a word comes up? Nope I actually tried and rough scanning of first few results says I got none*. It's the feeling when you see a puppy, or a kitten, or Zooey Deschanel in the trailer for "The New Girl", a little girl bowing on stage *children always go beyond your expectations!*, or Bonta-kun singing Fumoffu while running. Yea that kind of feeling.

But not just those kind of unbearable cuteness - sweetness, too. In this case I'll have to admit that I have kind of a strange taste for sweetness.

Anyway I spent some time looking for a Japanese poem with a line that more or less goes like this :

The peach trees at my house are luxuriant,

so for there to be flowers only, and no fruit

would be too bad.

credits : here

Anyway, initially I only remembered the Indonesian version of it, ".... pohon di rumahku .... berbunga, tapi tidak berbuah." And thought what a sad line it is, and determined to find where it's from. Since I remember the quotes in Indonesian it would most likely be a manga I read, and lo and behold, it was from Omake no Kobayashi-kun (sometimes I'm kinda amazed with how my memory works).

I spent some time looking for a full version, if ever any. Fruitless effort. That is too bad, too, because I really like that line. Probably because it is so sad. Probably because it's kinda obvious that it's talking about an unfruitful love.

It's so sad, yet so beautiful. Which makes it, like, probably, double as sad. I don't know.

Holiday

2011-05-23T00:07:00.003+08:00

1. Happiness is an intoxicating little thing (little thing? Hmmmm). You get too much of it and you'll be addicted. Badly. Which is not so bad actually, except that it's a fact of life that you'll experience withdrawal every now and then, and once the withdrawal sets in it's going to be BAD. Yes, bad.

2. Holiday's been pretty great. Museum trips, window shopping, TV series, nice food (sometimes), stupid talks, singing songs, flexible sleeping hours (I wanted to write 'lots of sleep' but HAHA not so true) and sore legs. Pretty much sums it up. Oh and a little exercise (so very little considering I'm a degenerate lazy girl) .Peppered with some love (not really sure about this, but considering I'm kind of a stupid hopeless romantic, sure, I'll throw in some love. I think it's true, though I can't really point out where the love is).

3. I actually thought about nyan cat before I went to sleep yesterday (--").

4. After watching Epic Mealtime I kinda fear getting fat. Scary stuff, what they got there.

5. One of the most remarkable thing that happened after exam ended : I actually lost sense of what I want to do. Seriously. Like losing direction and the drive to actually do anything. Which is pretty funny / stupid (more like stupid) because during exam period actually I felt like doing so many things : watching many things, reading many things, probably anything except studying. Now that I have all the time in the word (sort of) I actually kinda lose interest. Yea, that's me.

6. One day, I felt like being thrown into a spinning melting pot. It actually felt dizzying. Woah.

7. I'm kinda obsessed with cat. Erm. Yea. Not like henry though.

8. I MISS MY GIRLFRIENDS. The reality is kinda knocked onto my head after holiday starts and I actually regularly hang out with boys only, except dhea. Oh well. *sobs*

9. Every night, I feel like I would love to sleep, but also feeling that it's a waste to sleep. The dilemma of a student on holiday.

10. We sang this yesterday and I could actually felt the emo-ness in the air. Like you can almost touch it (hahaha). Anyway.

Baby want you tell me why there is sadness in your eyes
I don't wanna say goodbye to you
Love is one big illusion I should try to forget
But there is something left in my head

You're the one who set it up
Now you're the one to make it stop
I'm the one who's feeling lost right now
Now you want me to forget every little thing you said
But there is something left in my head

* CHORUS : I won't forget the way you're kissing
The feelings so strong were lasting for so long
But I'm not the man your heart is missing
That's why you go away I know

You were never satisfied no matter how I tried
Now you wanna say goodbye to me
Love is one big illusion I should try to forget
But there is something left in my head

* REPEAT CHORUS

Sitting here all alone in the middle of nowhere
Don't know which way to go
There is so much to say now between us
There ain't so much for you
There ain't so much for me anymore

* REPEAT CHORUS

I Love When It Rains

2011-05-08T23:32:00.002+08:00

On the contrary, though, it's not raining. It's so friggin hot that when I bathed, though I turned the knob of the shower to "cold", I still got warm water at first.

But exam's over and holiday is here! Has been here for a few days actually. But I've been going out so much I hardly had time to actually think about things (except one thing a few days ago - and it was not so much thinking as being led by some turns of events, really) but here I am trying to defrag. Hahaha.

1. Chewy has apparently gained some popularity after a holiday stay at Ito's place. Haha. Spread the happiness! The power of soft toys. And now I have in my room Kaizen's Happy Punch. Yays! *throwing it around*

2. I've been having an incredibly lighter spirit, which probably makes me a little more random than usual. Singing Doraemon song now and then. Skipping steps and jumping. And drawing on some scrap papers.

3. Now that I think about it, I should drink more water. Before I get myself dehydrated.

4. I'm back with my obsession with anime. Now that I'm into it again I wonder what made me left at the first place, they are amazing (at least some of them), incredibly entertaining (sometimes mindlessly entertaining), they have cute (dubbed) voices and cute characters. And they have a positive effect on my shopping spree. It seems like I am only obsessed with one or a few things at any one time, so while my obsession is watching anime, my desire to shop drops substantially. Or at least it makes me less interested in anything (I went round many shops these few days and only bought small stuff which amounted to... little, I hope).

5. The biggest secret to beauty is probably enough sleep. Usually when I'm not getting enough sleep I'll be terrified in the morning when looking at my face in the mirror : the eye bags, the atrocious skin.... Graaarrrhhh. And most unfortunately, we're kinda hard-wired to be sleep-deprived by this fast-paced, tightly-packed lifestyle. NO no no no.

And I'm kinda sleepy right now.

Three More

2011-04-27T08:58:00.002+08:00

Three more papers and that's it, I'll be done (with studies) for the semester.

I just hope that I can hold up strong for myself until the very end. Just exhaust every single thing I know, put it into the paper and hope for the best.

And when I'm agitated and worried I like to write. Good habit, right.

Get back with the studying soon.

Probably after Friday I'll immediately borrow Bridget Jones' Diary.

Because Exam is Just Around the Corner

2011-04-21T12:05:00.002+08:00

Exam right after Easter. Five consecutive days of (hopefully not) nightmarish period of frantically trying to get everything right.

I'm panicking enough and try to study hard enough I felt (physically) nauseated last night. Now that I think about it it might be the stress getting to me, oh well, ain't that normal. But the good thing is I'm actually looking forward to holiday, and going home, though I dread the packing and all other stuff. Sigh.

Maybe it's true that it is exactly during exam preparation period that anything at all can distract us (or at least me) from studying. It's a strange feeling of facing a dilemma between doing what you know you should do and not wanting to do what you really don't want to do, aaaand I just realized that my sentence is kinda absurd (as Andika rather tactlessly put it, "You're not weird, you're absurd."), but it is the best I can do to express what's in my mind (well, at least regarding studying).

Right now I just want to eat something good. Homemade and good. I'm getting sick eating roughly the same food everyday. Made worse with the fact that I'm not going to school (though I stay in school - isn't that kind of funny?).

Last night I watched my favourite scenes of Long Vacation (I'm obsessed. Sigh). And listened to More than Words played by Sungha Jung on Youtube (and that song in IKEA last Tuesday was really Dust in the Wind! I knew it!) and I felt like such a hopeless romantic. I probably am. But it's just not the right time to be, I suppose. What a pity.

And I really want to learn how to do French braid. Though I don't have the hair for it, I guess.

Foolishness

2011-03-12T20:22:00.002+08:00

These few weeks have been exhausting, but I only felt the effect lately when I started making foolish mistakes. Like two days ago, when we were planning to go to IT Fair :

1. I had a lecture in LT 7. But I told Andika that I had it at LT 7A. Point: I answered sms without thinking properly.

2. I caused the few of us to take the wrong bus to MRT station.

But being in IT Fair, well, how should I put it - a new experience? But seriously I'm not good with crowded places. And crowded is probably an understatement if you want to describe IT Fairs.

Well, back to the topic, the day after:

I left my room at 10.50 or so, intending to print my report before going for lecture at 12. But then my dear asked me, "Isn't the lecture at 11?" He was RIGHT. Damn.

I feel off, seriously. Like something is loose in my head. And I still have things to do. I want some normal weekend. Argh.

These few days

2011-03-03T19:25:00.003+08:00

It feels good to write again, and these few days I'm quite happy, yes I am. Though the concept of "satisfaction" or "contentment" still eludes me. Yes, I am happy.... but no I don't think I'm satisfied just yet. It might be true that being unsatisfied might decrease your happiness, but it does not mean that it makes you unhappy - isn't it? I think the phrase "you have to be content to be happy" is kind of an oxymoron. Why can't we just be happy? But well. I'm not a linguist, or a happiness expert in that matter, but I can say that I am happy, though I am not satisfied with many things.

Midterms are over, and now's the time to catch up with a lot of things, like really really a lot. Tutorials and lectures and all. And here I am longing for some fun, like, finally some weekends without the obligation to study, or something like that, but my conscience keeps weighing down on me and zap, yes, I'm just another competitive, not-ready-to-lose person. When I talked to my aunt about me not being confident with getting an A, she asked me back, "What's wrong with not getting an A?" She got me there, and I answered, "Well, nothing actually," but, "I just want it." See? It's kind of hard wired there somehow. And she actually thought that it is good that I thought so.

My tutor said something very interesting today which I was determined to remember, but I forgot in the end. Should've written it down. So well. In case one day I ever remember it.

I think I need some order in my life. Lately I've been feeling sleepy and lazy even though I know full well that I should be working on something, many things actually. I don't think that I don't have enough time for anything. Please I should have. I believe I should have enough time for all my commitments plus leisure activities. It's just me slacking and wasting time most of the time. Some adjustments of habit are in order. Sigh.

I'm rambling and ranting and I don't mind, because I'm happy with it. Sounds utterly selfish and arrogant. But I think I am happy, and there's nothing wrong with that. Well, a little sleepy, but I'm happy. It's like a chant I'm repeating again and again. Now I'm kinda feeling I'm trying to console myself over something. Hahaha.

Because I'm Kinda Stuck with a Lab Report

2011-02-05T13:53:00.002+08:00

I finally know the notorious dread of doing lab report. It is tedious, and the fact that we are given quite a long time to finish it just means that mediocre job won't cut it anymore.

The worst part is going back and forth from data, to calculations, to graph, to checking the data again, worrying if there are any stupid miscalculations.

But besides that, this Chinese New Year holiday - I guess - is pretty much like the Chinese New Year holidays I had the previous few years, except for last year when I was back home and ended up being dead tired (and full) after the first day from going around visiting relatives.

I woke up this morning after a really scary nightmare of me not touching one particular module (which in reality, I do not have, thankfully) for the whole semester and it's nearing finals and I know absolutely nothing about that module. It's a bad, bad dream. When I told my dear, he said, "Isn't it your maths?" AAAARGH NO. But the resemblance is striking. So yea, time to buck up.

And remembering my nightmare, I think I should get back to finishing this report. Sigh.

crying out

2011-01-16T20:43:00.002+08:00

I asked in my heart, "God, where are you? Where are you?" And I don't know whether I did connect to him, but in the midst of all the noises and commotion, I remembered the part when Elijah went into hiding, and God came to him:

"Then He said, 'Go out, and stand on the mountain before the Lord.' And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind tore into the mountains and broke the rocks in pieces before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake;

and after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice."

- 1 Kings 19:11-12

26.11.2010

2010-11-26T22:59:00.001+08:00

Happy birthday!

Yesterday I remembered that you always told me you loved me, and I usually only answered reluctantly.

And that is one of the few things I regret most in my life.

I guess it's like that song says. Sometimes when you really truly love someone, you can't stand but to shout it on the rooftop.

And of course let the person know.

And I love you, I love you so

pre-exam period

2010-11-16T23:36:00.002+08:00

It's really, really a peculiar time. Probably because of all the pressure and the workload and the conscience, we (grossly generalized - I mean, I) usually do quite some things I don't usually do during normal term time.

Anyway, here are a few things that happened/came to mind. I guess I won't feel really guilty about writing here, I'll have a writing module paper coming soon anyway, but then this is not really the language nor the content that you'll use in a writing module...no?

1. Getting hysterical because I couldn't find my pencil lead.

Not really, but almost. The fact that I'm already screaming and panicking in my mind speaks something. How would I do my practices if I don't even have pencil leads? On the hindsight, though, I can just use pen. It's just that out of habit I use pencil for practices (and now, tutorials too).

My father, on the other hand, almost always use pen. Probably because that's the only thing he has with him all the time (he brings one wherever he goes), but my ex-teacher said something different. He said that it shows that my father is confident with what he's doing. He himself (my ex-teacher) uses pencil, even for writing notes.

And somehow I believed him. Maybe this is some naive thinking, but I believe my father is a person who knows what he's doing, even when others don't understand it. Personal experience - he used to take out some papers, his pen, and started teaching me about things I didn't understand and was unable to understand easily. Like base numbers, transistors, capacitors, calculus, or even how TV and radio works.

If there are special moments I will always remember about my father, those are the times : the times when he tried to teach me. With his pen on his hand and scribbling on papers.

2. Reminiscing the feeling when I first watch Harry Potter.

This one is special because the new movie is coming out soon. What a bad timing, seriously. Until... somewhere before dinner I am largely uninterested. But just now I looked for some videos on quidditch matches (yea it's my dear's fault too, for talking about the international quidditch world cup), and a feeling of nostalgia swept over me. I remembered how different Harry Potter was when it first came out and how different I was. At first it was so fascinating, a "world" parallel to our own, magical and absurd and cool and fun. It was like reading Malory Towers, only with wizards and dragons and goblins and two cute male lead and one unbearably cute female lead (haha). Of course somewhere along the way the focus changed. That and also the fact that I changed make me less excited about Harry Potter now. But probably more of the first one and less of the second, because as I watched the trailer for the first movie, I was still enchanted by that imaginary world. Cool!

3. The best thing about revising.

The best thing you can experience when you revise is the feeling that after some practice, you feel that the pieces finally fall into place in your mind; you know you can do it; you're not really that far from what you want to achieve. It is an amazing feeling.

4. Getting bored with the songs in the playlist.

It drives me crazy. I cannot find the one song that I want to keep replaying in my mind. Argh.

an imperfect white world

2010-11-15T01:40:00.003+08:00

Sometimes I want to be swallowed by a white world.

Like a hill covered in snow, gentle wind around and gray sky above.

Or a white park, with white doves fluttering around, feathers scattered in the air around you.

And you wonder why everything is so white, yet it is not cold; it is warm, just like the way you want it to be.

And you look around and see that there is nobody, only you, and you walk around, touching ground or the feathers or the snow, feeling the air and the wind, looking at the sky, listening to each and every sound there is.

Maybe you'll feel some peace. Some kind of familiarity and tranquility, yet some kind of distance - a feeling that probably all those are not real, but you love the warmth and whiteness that surround you so much that you want them to stay that way forever.

Maybe you'll wonder what will come out of them - all those purity and brightness and light and flawlessness. Maybe you wonder if someday you will see a tiny crack and that white world that surrounds you shatter into pieces, beautifully broken little pieces.

I wonder why that kind of feeling is so fascinating. So fascinating I wish I can create that kind of world. Like a snow globe - a perfectly isolated place in space and time, a white world of my own.

Maybe then I can listen to my heart, or my own mind, whichever speaks.

But maybe it will be lonely. Maybe.

dreadful

2010-11-14T17:18:00.002+08:00

How deep is your love

'Coz we're living in a world of fools

breaking us down

when they all should let us be

Dreadful.

The most dreadful thing is the lack of self-control.

Then again it might be the thing I don't practice enough all along; and now it all comes crashing back to me.

Why oh why can't I just stay in front of the desk and study?

Anyway I'm kinda obsessed with "How Deep is Your Love" sung by Take That.

It's me you need to show

How deep is your love?

a cup of green tea frap

2010-11-07T23:06:00.002+08:00

Changes are not always easy. They are not always noticeable, either.

So maybe only lately did I notice that the focus of the (our) talk has shifted.

About two years ago, when we started talking a little more, mainly we talked about feelings. Then again, maybe at that time the geeky part of me was still dormant somewhere. And I was just another girl, you know, who clung to you for listening ears and comfort.

After we got together (after our "Great Depression" - what a fitting phrase), I don't know when exactly, I think all those talks about feelings (to be exact, my feelings, since you're never big on feeling-talk all along) began to take a back seat, giving way to somewhat more interesting (this is subjective) things, like ideas and whatever else that comes to mind - thoughts.

Anyway maybe it would be awkward too, to talk about feelings, because mainly my strong feelings are caused by you, and vice versa. Ironic, but awkward indeed.

I'm not trying to make any point, just an observation.

Now our talk centers mostly on things, thoughts - not so much about we, us, our feelings.

As I said, I am not trying to make any point. It's just an observation. I find it hard to judge which one is actually better - I like to talk about feelings but those talks about ideas and random thoughts are enjoyable too, and it has become so much a part of our conversation that I can't think of so many other things we talk about when it's just the two of us. I can't imagine you not talking about probability, or maybe what the dog saw (ah-ha!), or quantum physics - whatever it is you just read somewhere and you want to share.

It's just a change, a nice change if I might add.

I don't know how to end this post. That part apparently has not change.

Hahaha.

the purpose

2010-11-04T21:52:00.002+08:00

It's an eve of a public holiday, and here I am - staying in front of my laptop and thinking of doing my tutorial. While doing tutorial is a good thing, it just makes me wonder how different it is from how it used to be.

Rather than thinking that it is lonely of whatever - which I certainly do, really. It's sometimes so lonely I'm emo-ing - I want to think that this might be a good time for me to rethink my purposes and goals.

I'm familiar with "begin with an end in mind", but I've never really practiced it. Probably more than anyone else I've been going with the flow.

So far the flow has taken me to good places, at least acceptable. So far I haven't regret anything that much - which is probably why I've never think that much about my goals.

There are ideas, but not concrete ones. Not one I imagine strongly that I would love to do in the future. Not one solid enough to fill my mind and compel me to plan better for my present.

The way I'm living until now works alright. But it doesn't work best, I think.

Rahardhi says that if you want the best, you have to fight for it. While he might have said this in a particular context, it's true! You really do have to fight for it.

I'm thinking about what I really, really want right now. Maybe we've always been working, fighting hard for things we want. But maybe all along we've been mistaken on what it is that we truly want.

So what do I truly want?

And this verse came to mind :

"What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?"

-Matthew 16:26

hello there, it's me

2010-11-02T23:50:00.003+08:00

Hello there. Long time no see.

I'm 20 years old! Can you believe it?

That being said, I still feel like I'm the young girl you met years ago. Really. It's either I have always been acting old or I am still childish. Hahahaha.

Besides that, hmmm.

I'm in uni now and it feels really different. I like the freedom, but I am not sure if I'm responsible enough to make the best of my time. (I do need someone to watch over me!) Well, pray for me, will you? So that I'll become wiser, and more cheerful, probably. I'm happy yes! But you know I'm not really the most cheerful person around.

I'm feeling old. Or older. But I still miss you. Always.

Now I'm more conscious about the flow of time, how things always change - sometimes it feels scary.

You're a constant in my life. You are, you always will be. I shall keep it that way. Yet it's kind of funny how you are the one who reminds me most of change, and how unsettling it can be.

So, again, pray for me so that I will become stronger. Pray for me so that I'll grow in God, to be a person you want me to grow up to be.

Sometimes I wish you are here. So that I can tell you things I can't tell anybody else, so that I know there is someone I can always always talk to no matter what when and where.

Oh well. It's ok. Like I said, I shall be stronger!

I don't really know what to say. But I believe you know that -

I love, love you very very much.

Yeah, you got that something

I think you'll understand

When I say that something

I want to hold your hand

little cookies for fairies

2010-11-01T16:54:00.002+08:00

I finally submitted the application to get my room lamp fixed, and this afternoon the maintenance guy came when I wasn't around. He left an acknowledgement note on my bed.

As I was munching away my redcurrant puff (INTERMEZZO : I just realized they put a tagline on the box, "Can you stop at one?" NO I CAN'T! THEY'RE GENIUSES! Alright I'm exaggerating) I thought that maybe I should have left some on the table, putting a note "for mr.maintenance" or something. Like leaving cookies for santa or milk for fairy, don't you think the essence of those actions is the same?

But I did not, and there is a tiny regret inside my heart (well at least that would've been cute).

Anyway,

1. I'm having the worst sunburnt in my life so far. Last night my face still felt hot when I slept.

2. I am really, really sleepy. So, ciao!

slight insanity

2010-10-26T23:56:00.002+08:00

I'm officially a 20 year old ... (I want to say girl but it sounds paradoxical) young adult *ehem*. Oh I want to get over this birthday mood quickly. This kind of mood is dangerous.

Let's talk about a few things.

1. I am finding soft toys strangely comforting. For the first time in my life (excluding early childhood - I don't remember my feelings towards soft toys back then, though I remember liking to bite some of them *I saw the evidence a few years after that*). Specifically the white rabbit dhea gave me for my birthday. Somehow whenever I see it, I feel like I calm down a little. Hahaha.

2. Why do I need comforting. Hm, apparently I'm feeling slightly insane. True. I am not really sure why, I am only certain that it is not so healthy.

3. I need to find some joy in studying. Since I have to do it anyway, I might as well find some joy in it, right? I made a summary of a maths chapter today and I found it quite useful. Hmmm.

I am never one to really really study. That's probably why I am the way I am - neither here nor there. The good thing is that now I am forced to perform rather consistently. Which may fix my bad habit of slacking and piling up work for the last minute.

4. One of the benefits of studying in uni : understanding xkcd jokes better. (HA!)

5. I AM melacholic! I love those kind of loving, longing, touching love stories. Which are beautiful yet depressing sometimes. Oh my.

6. Sometimes, it is better if we don't know something. Or many things. Like they say, ignorance is bliss - again, sometimes.

7. These few days I've been obsessed with the song River by Tatsuya Ishii. Because of a conversation with Ito, I feel like watching Gundam Seed again.

Sometimes I really, really wish I have a long list of things in my post. But somehow I've never gotten beyond a few. Sometimes although there are a lot of things in my mind, I can't get myself to put them across in words. Why oh why.

the day before I turn 20

2010-10-24T22:06:00.002+08:00

The last sermon I heard before I turn 20 (pretty soon!) was "The Power of Memory". Pretty unusual, don't you think, for a sermon.

Anyway it left quite an impression, so I'll just share it. You know, besides the fact that it would be the last sermon I heard before I turn 20, which is today.

I don't really know how to start.

You can choose which memory to feed on.

Now that I'm making this point, it pretty much summarizes the sermon. Anyway, here it is.

The pastor talked about Jacob/Israel. While he was an imperfect man - Jacob - he held on to God's promise and it kept him going - Israel. He had many sad memories, but the memory of the promise of God is greater than anything.

We should have that, too. A memory when God speaks to us about something. And hold on to it.

It would be great.

Honestly I am not really sure. Unlike Jacob, God no longer speaks to us directly (I guess?). So in my opinion, it is something that you decide after you have prayerfully consider something, or something that move you so strong that - to quote the pastor's words - "it withstands the force of time".

I can't remember how exactly, but I believe that we should pray before doing anything for it to go well. From experience. You can argue that it is placebo, or that things may go well for people who don't pray as well, but I believe that. I believe that God has a way for each and every one of us. I have to admit that sometimes it is hard to keep it in mind. And even now I'm not really sure what God wants to do with my life. During hard times I cry, during happy times I am thankful - being an imperfect being I am.

I have sad memories, too. Some sad memories are so strong you keep clinging to it, though you know they consume the best of you. Some sad memories involve things so integral to your life that you think forgetting them will make you lose something important that makes you you.

But time can heal the wounds, if only you let it to.

I can choose the memories that keep me going.

You know, it strikes me a bit funny, this topic. Lately my dear has been telling me to smile more (hahaha). Don't you think it is essentially similar? Feed on happy memories, smile more, give out positive vibe to your surroundings. Live your life to the fullest.

It's funny that it may have taken 19 years for me to actually realize it and put it into words.

I am kind of a person who feed on, if not dwell in, memories. Being a "melancholic-slash-gloomy" person, I usually remembers sad things more than happy things. Even the happy things often create a feeling of nostalgia which leads to further melancholy (seriously. sigh).

So? I'm not good at making resolution. I find that change is hard to come by, though realization might be easier.

But well. If for days to come - those days after I turn 20 - I try to feed on sad memories, I might remember this day, remember this amazement, this tiny feeling of wanting to make a better me - I might decide to feed on happy memories instead.

And who knows, maybe I'll really become a better me.

empty words

2010-10-15T19:01:00.001+08:00

oh what the hell.

i'm kinda amazed how my mood can switch from one extreme to another so quickly. believe me it's annoying, even for me. or maybe i should say, especially for me. do you ever think that when someone's in a bad mood, the one who's suffering most is himself?

there are good things, of course, it's just me, you know, it's always me.

i'm too busy writing my tragedy, maybe?

great day!

2010-10-14T23:30:00.002+08:00

I want today to be remembered as a good day, because it is!

Today is great, actually.

Sleepiness and weariness and laziness aside, of course.

It is a great day, great day, great day.

I feel like repeating it like a charm everyday, to keep my days bright and warm.

Because a little smile, a chat, laughter always go a long way.

ps. I want to go shopping. And I'm serious. Not just window shopping but actually bringing things back home.

ps. I heard a phrase, that my dear claims to be "the best phrase he hears in a long time", that is

mengubah titik menjadi koma.

because you're like a moon in the middle of the day.

dirty dishes

2010-10-09T00:14:00.002+08:00

I got the title yesterday and I can't shake it off my head even though now what I have in mind is completely unrelated. So I guess it deserve that place up there. Yea, there it goes! Actually I love it. A completely unrelated title to a completely unrelated post. You can think "What the hell is she thinking about" and I can answer "Well, actually, nothing". Hahaha. Ok that was random.

Anyway.

I thought of a few nice things to do. I love nice things.

1. I thought about reading romance classics. I think they way they talk and write is incredibly pretty and classy. Though I may not understand it. But oh how could I resist, right?

2. Filling up a wall with graffiti. One problem though : no wall. Hahaha. But seriously. I really feel like doing it somehow.

tephz says:

he eh...gw sih...gampang beradaptasi

Gabriella - Jebay! says:

heeh

kaya ikan

hahaha

tephz says:

i mean lingkungan sini asik2 aja

Gabriella - Jebay! says:

eh salah

iya lah kalo lingkungan n org2nya enak sbnernya enk2 aja hehehe

:D:D

tephz says:

enak ajah..ikan... =x=

Gabriella - Jebay! says:

hahahaha

gatau yg kepikiran ikan

tephz says:

betuuull

hahhaa

Gabriella - Jebay! says:

tephz says:

si garis yg buat atur suhu tubuh itu

Gabriella - Jebay! says:

garis?

Girl you made my day! Even from thousands of miles away.

LONG ramblings

2010-09-27T17:41:00.002+08:00

1. I cleaned up my room. So I woke up in the morning and found that I get additional two pimples, plus this coughing/sneezing I've experienced since last saturday. then it came to me : is it because my room is dirty (yea it was dirty, btw)? I spent some time thinking whether I should do some big room cleaning because I was going to have class some time in the afternoon (and usually after cleaning up you're too tired to do anything else right?). Then I thought it was the most suitable time to do some major cleaning, so clean up I went - moving furnitures and stuff, buying floor cleaners and some detol sanitizer and another washcloth - and voila! After 2.5 hours, my room was clean (I don't dare say squeaky clean - I wish, haha), I was satisfied, and I had time for another round of hair-washing and I had plenty time to prepare for my lesson. And I am very proud of myself. And my room is clean! :D And my dear said I'm learning to become monica *well since I was spraying the detol sanitizer all around*. Maybe sometimes obsessiveness pays off. (NO I'm not obsessed, at least not yet!)

2. here's a little something from xkcd.com:

I didn't really get the joke when I first read it - I understand, but didn't really think it was funny. Then today during physics lecture we talked about the problem when you shoot a bullet into a block suspended by a string (where after the collision the bullet will be embedded on the block and the block will swing upwards). My lecturer said that students often have problems with this, and he explains probably because engineers think differently from physicist. How physicists differ from other vocation, he said, is how they approach the problem. Engineers tend to think of the problem as one single process. Physicist, however, isolate the moment of collision, apply the conservation of linear momentum and then use the conservation of energy for the swinging part - which leads to the answer. He said it's better to say something about it than to be able to say nothing at all. Anyway, I thought it is really similar (or pretty much explains) what the joke says, isn't it? Of course I don't think of my lecturer's words as a joke - I appreciate the value :D

3. Another thing that came to mind during physics lecture - sorry, my day so far pretty much consisted of cleaning up, lunch and physics lecture - was association. My lecturer mistakenly mentioned 80 kilograms as 80 grams. At hindsight, I realized that kilograms and grams are just two words. Of course with different meaning. But they're pretty similar and it's easy to miss if we don't use them often. But when we use them frequently, we can feel the association. Try saying 80grams, you'll feel that it is light. Try 80 kilograms - you'll feel that it's heavy. Isn't that amazing? Words association. I am reminded of what the program said on matrix (3, I think) - love is a word. With association. Pretty much everything we describe with words only means something because there are associations to each and every word.

4. This come to mind a few days ago. I think my passion is with words. I love to read and write, and it started in my early childhood. But I like science too. And viv said, "There's always a correct time for everything." Like in the Bible, right? And one pastor said sometime ago, your immediate calling may not be your calling. Well. So? I have chosen this path. Maybe I'd like to do something else. But I guess I prayed enough before I chose this path, and maybe this is the correct time to do this, this is my immediate calling. So I'll just walk down this path for now. :)

counting some blessings

2010-09-23T08:20:00.002+08:00

I was looking through the photos from Sentosa trip last week when I realized, hey, what a fun life we (or at least, I) have here.

Back home, what are the chances of us randomly going to a beach just for a few hours then back? Hahaha.

Anyway, yes, life here is good, at least, if you cannot agree with the fun part. Let me count some blessings.

1. Going somewhere randomly and discovering new things.

Last Sunday my dear and I went to Orchard central and saw a weekend market then venture to the basement and found out that the basement was very nice. It looks like the street of some exotic country. Really.

Or sometime ago when we decided to go to Clarke Quay and ended up eating xiao long bao and shrimp rolls from the taiwan foodfest. I(I'll tell you, back then we were quite tired, but when we saw food, energy level went up immediately lol :P)

2. Talking with viv.

I think this deserves some dedication since it's been long since I last talk to her. It was fun; we ended up talking for four hours. Telling stories and laughing - very nice.

3. Chalet with the committee.

It was my first time going to a chalet here (uh yea) and it was fun. And I slept at 3 and woke up at around 7, can you believe it? Even I almost did not hahaha.

4. Observing other's kindness.

I love seeing small kindness.

etc. You know. I'm sure there are a lot more, like every small talks, every sweet treats I get everyday. That's just a few I would like to mention.

Anyway, I thought about this yesterday. Which one is better, to be a happy fool or an unhappy smart-person *what is the term to say it, seriously?*?

Some people mock when others like some shallow or so-not-high-quality things *oh I don't know how to express that in better words*. But hey. If you're gonna wait for all the perfect and impeccable things to make you happy, when will you be. And who cares? As long as it makes us happy, right? Who cares if it's a pretty boy singing trivial songs or some trivial conversation or other little things. It makes me happy, and that is the real one. Other things - quality, taste - it's all perception, it's all in your mind, and which one worth more, some perceiving taste that brings you nothing or just plain happiness?

And then I thought : which one is actually better - a person who knows he is a happy fool, but decided it's worth it, because happiness should be a universal, simple thing; or a person who thinks he's so smart he decides not to be happy because nothing goes his ideal way?

when violet eyes get brighter

and heavy wings grow lighter

i'll taste the sky and feel alive again

status quo

2010-09-16T14:45:00.003+08:00

Sometimes I wonder where I'm heading. I really wonder. I mean, there should be somewhere. Somehow. Right?

if life is a trip to an amusement park everyday

2010-09-03T21:28:00.002+08:00

You wish? Hahaha.

It sounds nice. A trip to amusement park everyday.

But humans are strange creature. It may be a fun thing to do, but after some time you'll get bored with it.

It requires a miraculous thing to renew something everyday, to make it meaningful everyday, to make you look forward to it everyday.

Surprise surprise, that miraculous thing may be yourself! It's in the way you see something, the way you feel something, the way you reflect on things.

Or, are humans wired to be bored?

Errr it may be so. Haha. Ooops.

Oh I feel like swearing. I wonder what holds me back. Hahahaha.

Nice phrase will become a cliche after you use it too much. Nice feelings will become usual after some time. Even love, ah what is love really. After some time it's to be taken for granted, it won't be enough anymore, there will be excuses to skew it, and in the end? Maybe you'll just throw it away. Oh isn't that sad.

You always adjust your priorities. Oh, screw what you claim to be your priorities. Priorities are, things that occupy your mind so badly that you can't help but do it. Like, sustaining your lives. Isn't that correct?

Proximity works two ways, I guess. When you're far, your feelings are often stretched so much that you feel lost and lonely and you think it's better to have someone close. When you're close though, you get bored. Maybe mathematicians need to work out a single distance for maximum effect on relationship. How about that?

So. If life is a trip to an amusement park everyday?

You'll get tired of it. And you start waiting for the day where you can sleep all day at home.

And I thought amusement park may be a good analogy. Apparently I was wrong.

feelings

2010-09-01T22:31:00.002+08:00

Life's back to normal. Not the same old routine, but normal, with new routine forming up rather... nicely.

So things are different. I think the most stark difference is girlfriends. Yes girlfriends. Other than dhea that I constantly meet (because we arrange to meet everyday if possible), I rarely spend time with girlfriends. Not that I don't want to. The thing is, maybe, because there are so many different things that we do. It's like branching ways waiting to intercept somewhere sometime.

It's kinda sad. Having spend 4 years surrounded by people, who are usually within arm's reach (literally). Of course there is my dear. But friends are different. I'm not the kind who make a lot of friends. Sure I think it's nice to have many friends. Weak connections. But I much much prefer strong connections. People you can always run to anytime when things go wrong. People you can cry in front of.

Aside from that. Well. I think I think less. What. Why. Erm.

1. I think forming a routine is a good way of coping with uni life. Get your work done fast and simple and right. Take some time for yourself. Search for something fun to do. Life feels like walking with my own pace now (which is kinda fast. damn). And it feels like I'm gonna have to be running soon. Do you understand that feeling? It's quite like, but not exactly similar, as being carried away by current and approaching a waterfall. You have an idea of what's ahead, but you don't exactly know how it feels, or how to handle it. Exciting? Frustrating? Depending on how you want to see it, I guess.

2. Life feels like eating chicken everyday. It's nice and all, but you'll get tired of it. You want something fresh. In this case, I'm actually really yearning for some sushi. (come to think of it, sushi is healthy, right? aaaaaaaa). That one, I literally want to eat some sushi. But it suits as a metaphor for life too.

3. Let's redefine love. Not the universal definition of love, but at least what you feel yourself. Do you think it's necessary? I think it makes perfect sense. I mean, the feeling you have towards someone when you just got him/her, and the feeling towards her after, say, 5 years together, cannot be exactly the same. Maybe the is a fundamental feeling that stays the same. But your understanding of that person has changed, the experience you have - those are bound to change your feeling.

So? you ask.

I like to define, describe and elaborate. You probably don't know how much I like it. Ask my dear. I spend most of the time we spend together talking (and my aunt said I'd make a good radio broadcaster. Maybe. If only I have a conventional sense of humor). I talk about many, many things. I love it probably because it substantiate it. All those ideas and thoughts and whatever crap in my head, when I say it out loud, they substantiate. And like I mentioned, I like something I can grasp. I can grasp those substantiated ideas.

So, about love. I want to get this feeling out into words. Explore it. This abstract concept probably not even your subconscious understand. Don't you want to grasp it? I want to. I don't like it when I can't say what it is. "Okay so I feel different. I don't know why, but it's different." It's not good enough. I want to put it down in clear words.

Then again it may be a herculean feat. And considering I am not hercules (hey, now that I think about it, hercules understood love rather late too. Of course the crush came early. But the true understanding of love is when he forgave megan for what she did, right? - disclaimer : disney's hercules). Anyway considering I'm not hercules. Maybe I won't be able to do it.

4. And I said I think I think less? Uhhhmmm. Talk about sounding contradicory.

5. Okay, on a different note, do I sound a little high?

6. And this is a song my dear told me about. And it was so cute and the feeling is so nostalgic that now I can't stop humming it.

I DON'T WANT TO SET THE WORLD ON FIRE

Horace Heidt

- words and music by Eddie Seiler, Sol Marcus, Bennie Benjamin and Eddie Durham

I don't want to set the world on fire

I just want to start

A flame in your heart

In my heart I have but one desire

And that one is you

No other will do

I've lost all ambition for worldly acclaim

I just want to be the one you love

And with your admission that you feel the same

I'll have reached the goal I'm dreaming of

Believe me!

I don't want to set the world on fire

I just want to start

A flame in your heart

I guess it's half timing and the other half's luck.

something you can grasp

2010-08-26T23:53:00.002+08:00

Today I went through a slightly different day than my usual routine (usual and routine are actually kinda redundant, no?).

Anyway it made me feel strange. Seriously strange. I'm kind of an absurd person, so when I say strange, it is really strange. And it is not made better by the fact that I am exhausted. (I slept at 11.30, woke up at 6, and didn't sleep a blink until now. It's quite an achievement, really).

Actually it's quite fun. It's just different. And I felt strange (not so much now after I kinda blasted in ramblings to my dear. I won't be surprised if he doesn't get a thing of whatever I said just now).

Anyway when I felt strange, I thought about what Suwa Kakeru in Hitsuji no Namida said when Kanzaki asked him why Suwa came to meet him.

And he said something like, because he wanted to find an answer.

If he can grasp all those feelings he cannot understand, put it into words,

he might be able to achieve something.

And I think it is quite true.

I need something I can grasp.

My dear said it is like the constant in LOST (which, by the way, was a very nice episode. I think I would cry if I see it again).

Oh, well :)

sleepy thoughts

2010-08-25T00:31:00.003+08:00

I'm like half asleep yet still awake. And I'm beginning to drift away from my sleepiness. I don't know whether it's a good thing or a bad thing.

What I thought about today :

1. When you start doing irrational things, maybe you're in love. Or you're crazy (on the afterthought)

2. The love I know and the love you know may be different. As my physics lecturer said, "It's assumed that the time experienced by observer A is the same as the time experienced by observer B." something like that. Sometimes we assume it's the same, but I think it may be different.

3. There are always grey areas. And should the grey areas be made strictly black and white? Maybe it shouldn't. But people like to do that, apparently. Maybe because it's easier when there's one side to sympathize with, and another to condemn.

4. what is four? (no I didn't think about that. This is random)

5. After reading Haruki Murakami's 'On Seeing the 100% Perfect Girl One Beautiful April Morning', I really really wish it would happen in real life. Like, isn't that great? But I think, even though it might happen, I might dismiss that as a foolish wishful thinking. How sad.

Well, you can cry me a river

Cry me a river

I cried a river over you

(oh, credit to marsu for telling me about this song!)

what does it all boil down to?

2010-08-22T23:42:00.002+08:00

so baby don't worry, you are my only,

you won't be lonely, even if the sky is falling down

Isn't it great to have someone like that.

Anyway yesterday I had a talk with my dear about a few things, and the phrase came up, "it all boils down to...". And I think it's such an interesting way to say something.

I wanted to say something, but yesterday I was too tired to write, and today I forget what it was all about - I had a vague idea, but that's not enough - so I guess I'm writing about something else.

A few interesting things happened. And they kinda made me think.

But what did I think?

murakami's stories

2010-08-18T00:11:00.002+08:00

Today my dear showed me the short story by Haruki Murakami. I'm pretty sure I've read that story before.

I like Haruki Murakami. Not particularly the content, thrill, romance or whatever. True the surreal story is quite fascinating. But the thing I felt most from his novels is, it's like a blank white page with one or two characters. At the end of the story, it's as if the characters are swollen by the blank white page, and all that's left is a white world.

Maybe that's not what the author intended to do (and I'm so sorry for that) nor how others interpret or feel about those stories, but really that's how I felt about them. I used to have such a lost feeling, as if I'm falling to some deep hole, after I read his novels.

I don't really connect with the stories emotionally (which is probably why I don't remember the details, or even the main story line), but the feeling is what I remember most.

I really really feel like reading them again.

morning ramblings

2010-08-14T11:02:00.002+08:00

It's come to a stage where I turn to tutorials for something to do (I considered saying entertainment, but no, not so much).

Anyway.

Lately I've been feeling kind of strange. Maybe because it's me, and I like doing strange things, asking strange things, telling strange things, or even noticing what can be considered strange (and yet I still do the first three things).

1. Something like staring at the cake your friend is eating. Does not mean you want the cake for yourself, sometimes there are situation when you happen to just be staring, you know. Seriously, there are some many other cakes out there.

2. Or seeing your friend wanting to eat your favourite cake (let's make this a situation where there is only one piece of the cake left). Seriously this one is tough. For one thing, maybe it's the fault of the cake, being so delicious and nice and all. But sometimes it feels like, "Hey, it's my favourite cake!". The bad thing about being a cake is, it cannot tell both of us which one it prefers to eat it (nonsense, I know). But let's say it's not about cake. Then something different may happen.

3. And a situation where you long thought about something, and stopped thinking about it, then someone said exactly that thing you thought about as a general fact, and you started thinking again.

4. Let say you have a tree that only bears one fruit everyday. The fruit can sometimes be sweet, or sour, our plain, or bitter. Let's say the fruit has been bitter for quite some days lately. Of course there are still ways to eat the fruit. Like, adding extra sugar and all. But is it really good to just add some artificial sweetness, or it is the bitterness that needs to be fixed? Can you stand it if you find that the fruit is bitter everyday?

Oh, you say, you little silly girl. Just have fun.

I shall. Will you?

darn.

2010-08-07T09:44:00.001+08:00

1. I woke up at 7.30, still feeling sleepy, but I couldn't sleep again because I thought I'd be going out at 9. (anyway, if it is not already self-explanatory, did not happen)

2. I was really hungry (I had been since last night, after I took a long walk) and went to the market to buy cup noodle. And realised, after that, that I don't have any eating utensils with me. Already too pissed off to go back and grab a bread or something.

3. Fine, meal done. I took my water bottle and my garbage. While trying to dump my garbage, I dropped my water bottle. IT BROKE. DARN IT.

A fine enough morning?

0 week

2010-08-05T00:22:00.003+08:00

Took a ride to the end of the line

where no one ever goes

So. Life has been good, actually. Maybe the only bad things are boredom and the absence of nice vegetables.

I'm officially a uni student now, though not officially an active one. It feels like I'm still on a break - uh, well, actually... yes. It feels kind of weird and out of place and a bit worrying (actually it is NOT) that I am lazying around day by day while others are involved in something. My paranoid self nudges me anxiously sometimes, but I guess I'll just have to believe that orientation is not everything. Well if it's a platform to get to know people, we practically have like... our whole stay here to get to know people. Theoretically so.

My dear said that we can always choose.

And here's something I get from C.M.B, a manga I read (I love taking this kind of message from anything - movies, mangas, novels... or even sayings).

Okay, so loosely translated,

"...if we always choose the right choice, we'll live well. That's impossible. ... We don't know something is right or wrong before choosing it, right? We choose not because we think it is right, but because we want to choose it. ... Failing is not a problem, as long as we choose it ourselves.

... the one who decides it's right or wrong is the future 'us'... isn't it unfortunate to waste the precious happy times in doubt? Because humans cannot stop the flow of time."

- CMB, vol 10, Motohiro Katou

Well, I've been reading a book titled Affluenza, and it talks about how humans have been infected by Affluenza virus that we see ourselves as commodities instead of 'us', and how we get our values and priorities more wealth and wants oriented.

Honestly, in a country like this and society like this, I find it very hard not to be infected. But I don't want to. I very much would like to be a happy person, not deluded happy but genuinely happy. And it should not be beyond any humans' capacities. But well.

The book provides some vaccines against the virus, but I haven't reached there. Well, I'll continue on reading.

In the meantime, I'll try not to be so anxious about what others do and I don't. I'll just enjoy myself with my dear and my dear friends :)

being very sleepy, but still keeping awake

2010-07-26T23:52:00.002+08:00

I want to know how I'll sound like when I'm kinda dizzy and absolutely sleepy and my mind isn't that clear anymore.

Maybe I'll sound like an utter nonsense.

This few days :

1. getting back what I've left behind. Like, my impression of Singapore.
2. days of walking for hours. I'm getting weak. But as usual women have strange determination and energy when it comes to shopping or even just window shopping.
3. slight cold. IT IS NOT FUN AT ALL.
4. being absurd. Like I am.
5. eating.
6. being slightly paranoid that I'll forget something important.
7. handling things well. This involves : learn not to procrastinate, be extra careful (to the extent of being slightly obsessive), taking notes. YES TAKING NOTES. THE POWER OF NOTES!
8. sleeping well. and feeling that it's not enough.
9. keep a distance from my computer and establishing healthier being-in-front-of-the-screen-period (yeaaaa I think staying in front of the computer like 10 hours a day is NOT healthy)
10. having an epiphany.
11. remembering things I've done (err what?)
12. adapting.

It's been raining quite a lot this few days, and while it's pretty nice, it's pretty troublesome too. And I haven't done my laundry. Aw shucks.

ohhhh.

13. I want to try to cook myself!

back to where i was

2010-07-22T08:13:00.002+08:00

I'm kinda troubled so I'll just write before going.

This 2 days have been great, though not perfect - thanks to all kind people out there who sort of took good care of me (yea teki and ivan especially. And marian for accompanying me yesterday. lol). Actually it's been fun and funny.

The only thing that annoys me is the insomnia part. Damn if you came back so tired and stayed up until your head felt spinning, you would not want to spend another 2 hours lying awake on the bed, especially if you know you need to wake up early.

But it'll be just a temporary problem, everything will be fine!

Let's just hope this will be another great day!

But as for me, I trust in you.

smiling in the face of a storm

2010-07-18T14:17:00.002+08:00

Once someone told me he does not like people who like to describe themselves. The irony is, I do, I always do.

Discovering things about yourself, I think, is a rather fun experience. It may not always be pleasant, but it's surprising sometimes (which is the fun part).

For me, well, it's usually acting / feeling and then rationalizing why I act / feel that way.

I've always been kinda strange sometimes. And I'm curious, even when I know I'm stepping into a land full of mines (not literally. I would NOT, without a super good reason, step into a real land full of mines). Maybe I have a Pandora-like personality. Hahaha.

The funny thing is : Pandora opened the box not knowing what lies inside. Me, I'm more curious when I already have an idea of what lies inside. And what I really want is not the knowledge itself but the fact that I know it even before anyone tells me. And I want that acknowledgement that I am right. (If I don't know and nobody would tell me, well, that is none of my business, right?)

That same person I mentioned before once also ask me,"Are you the kind of person who anticipates your conversation before doing it?"

Yes, and until now I don't know how on earth did he know that, but I guess I'll just leave it as it is. Yes I do. And well, for those curious question, usually I anticipate a yes.

In a way you can say I'm sly, but well, it has its own risks too. Because apparently anticipating doesn't mean reacting well.

Well, I stepped on a land mine yesterday, almost deliberately, and I still couldn't react well.

Well, maybe it was not about my feelings, it was more of a pride matters.

Swallowing your pride to do what is right, sometimes is so hard to do.

Or maybe we just think it's not worth it.

But, hey.

not knowing what is right

I just want to spend more days with you

the castle in the sky

2010-07-13T11:23:00.004+08:00

I finished reading Little Women on Sunday. It was good, it was like little house on the prairie all over again but more compact, and more romantic, I think, because of the happy ending (and when I think I love happy endings, I think of the way Sophie (Deveraux) said it, "I love good death scenes." haha)

Then I think about their "castle in the sky". I wish I could explain the whole Pilgrim's Progress thing here, but due to the risk of being inaccurate, shall not. Anyway the "castle in the sky" was the representation of one's ideal goal, one's dream.

At the end of the story they looked back at their "castles in the sky" and thought how different their life, in the end, from their castles in the sky they had thought when they were younger; yet they were happier than ever, and they thought their life is much better than the castles they had imagined.

They were lucky to have a life better than their dreams, of course. Many people end up getting a life worse than their dreams. But my point is, as we grow older, we will discover things that we realize is actually important. Like Jo, for example, who had said she would never marry and would be an old maid, found out that love is indeed important and being able to marry the one she loves and have children is happiness.

When we're young and immature, we tend to think that we know what is right. Well I guess that's the beautiful (yet annoying) thing about youth : we think with such convictions that we become so stubborn in defending our ideals and selves and beliefs, sometimes ignoring what others, older people say, because we think,"True, they're old, they have more experience, but that doesn't mean they are always right." Well, doesn't mean they are always wrong either. I wish some things will stay the same even after people grow up - like the free spirits, the bluntness, the ideals; but I realized that as we grow up, the change may need to come. Like how when we're committed in a relationship and have a family of our own, we may not be as free as we wanted to be, but we love our family we're willing to give up that freedom. We may give up being blunt because we realize that what we may regret later what we blurt out now. Our ideals may change because we some things have climbed up our priority ladder and some things we realize are not as important.

Well, so I guess when someone says, "Grow up", they mean it to the true sense of the words.

It's kinda sad thinking that one day I'll leave this young mind (yes peter pan complex. I sometimes still wish I stay young forever. Haha) to change, I hope, for the better. But I think the progress itself is an amazing thing. So I guess people can age like wine too; the older the better. Isn't that great?

Oh this is totally unrelated but after reading Little Women I feel influenced by the old English writing style (and speech. You should read how they speak, it's more like poetry!) and I think this better not carry on too long, because I might forget how to speak normally (will I? I hope not!)

Anyway I am talking to my dear about statistics (mathematics statistics, not about facts statistics). All because of that paul the octopus. Well when we solve this little problem I shall write about that. This geeky side of mine, really.

Into each life some rain must fall,
Some days must be dark and sad and dreary.

morning changes

2010-07-08T09:56:00.002+08:00

Personally I prefer white. It's clean and nice and goes with everything easily. But it gets boring, too. Since blogger has this design manager (or something like that) I decided to try it out (and I think it's great! It's kinda fun. And if you're a geeky person, you can calculate the number of possible layouts you can get from all those things. Haha)

Okay so why gray. No particular reason, I am not sure whether that reflects my mood right now (wow how gloomy, so early in the morning). But I saw how the purple/pink font against gray background looks, and I like it. So gray it goes! And I like the size of the letters and all. Simple and clean.

Anyway,

humans are really the strangest creature in the world.

And somehow I have learnt that not a single one of them is perfect.

That's hard.

that age when you are moved by marriages

2010-06-12T11:36:00.002+08:00

I am not sure as to what is considered the common age at which people (and in this case, because it's me wondering, women) get married this days. But I'm reaching 20 soon, which means bye bye, teenage days, maybe it's time to be (young) adults now.

But really it's time when you start thinking about serious relationship, what you're going to be after you finish your study and all that stuffs you probably never thought you'd need to bother with when you're like, say, 15.

Even now I'm not feeling like I'm old enough for all that. Sure I feel older now. My cousin says he realized he's getting old(er) after he realized the number of younger kids around him gets bigger. And now I have a nephew who will, well, call me aunt (I felt like insisting that he calls me sister instead, but when I reach 30 and he's 12 years old, sister does not seem so justifiable anymore. So, yea, aunt it goes!)

And why am I thinking about that. Besides all the obvious talks and thoughts about getting older, I just watched episodes of Friends where Chandler was going to propose (and finally he did) to Monica. And it was this moment that I started crying:

Phoebe : "Did you see the place?"

Chandler : "Yea, it's beautiful."

It's the look on his face and the way he said it that made me tearing up immediately. Okay this is a big deal because I never think I'm someone who's moved by marriage (sure I'm holding tears during my dad's marriage but the fact that I can be holding tears during his marriage says something, doesn't it?) But no, I've never think that I am one to be moved by marriages. But maybe you can argue that I'm one to get moved by movies, so that can be a reason. And hormones can be a reason too, but another thing that may be a reason is maybe I'm just coming to that age.

Nooooo I don't feel that mature. I just feel kinda old. And I read Howard Hendricks wrote in his book, Teaching to Change Lives, that parents sometimes nurture their kids to be good girls or good boys, while they actually should nurture them to become good men or women. And that's when it struck me that, hey, I'm getting to be a woman right now, am I really a woman inside or I'm just still a happy-go-lucky teenage girl? (you can argue that I'm never happy-go-lucky, but that's beside the point)

I remember my old teacher said, you have to have the attitude of an adult and the heart of a child. Now I know it's not that easy.

This is barely related to that of age, but maybe that of growing up. I told my aunt and my uncle and my cousin that I'm not aspired to be a millionaire or successful entrepreneur ("Despite all the propaganda?" my aunt asked). But really I think more highly of being an activist, for just and true cause of course. Not that I don't want to be making money - trust me I understand that I need money, my family will need money, I want to see more of the world (and damn you need money for that). Well I would love it if I have enough money and can share more to my cause. I don't want to be someone who creates an empire just to see my ideal self crumbling down into nothing.

Oh anyway it's related to growing up because my cousin noted, "that's the mindset of the university students" (yeah you can see in this country many of them holding demonstrations for their so-called causes). And it's true that when you're young you're holding up ideals but when you're really into the real life you understand there are things that can't be done, things that you have to do more than your ideals.

Oh I'm rambling. I can't even conclude what I want to say. I guess it's just a thought when you're getting older.

insomnia (2)

2010-06-10T11:47:00.002+08:00

Okay I really am an insomniac.

The last time it's anywhere near this bad is before results, and that was because I was anxious and stressed.

Now I don't know what I'm so stressed about. Totally no idea.

And it's killing me, really.

Oh good night sleep, come back to me.

insomnia

2010-06-09T10:25:00.002+08:00

"I've thought for a 100 reasons why you should come back ... but in the end, you have to come back.. because you belong with me."

That's the best line I heard this year! I cried retelling it to my dear (seriously. I know, I am weird)

*I feel like drawing some happily jumping emoticon here. don't ask me how it looks*

I could sleep only at 3am - this morning. I thought I've become so lazy it doesn't really matter how much I sleep; turns out I can still get insomniac (is it good? Is it bad?). But the funny thing is I still woke up at around 9. Maybe I do get too much sleep.

Anyway around 1:40 am because I couldn't sleep I tried to listen to some songs, and actually maybe it made it even harder to sleep, because instead of dozing off, I actually think about the moments the songs brought me back to.

It's kind of interesting. A bit sad and lonely. Actually there are a lot of things. Lots of things that's been missing. Sometimes if you want to get too much of something, it gets too usual it's not special anymore. That's why we should a healthy dose, right. But actually there's something else too - something different. I don't really understand what.

Oh I miss many things. As usual.

By the way I found a copy (and it's hardcover!) of Little Women at my house. An English copy! I don't know where did that come from, but I guess I'll have something to read. Yay!

five years down the road,

will you still love the same person?

will your beloved still love you?

will you still be the same person you are?

will you still smile and laugh everyday?

will you still love the same way you do today?

The Whats

2010-05-21T21:46:00.002+08:00

What have I been doing.

Eating, sleeping, going online. And drinking guava juice. Nice thing because I've been craving for some sweet things but find nothing that actually suits my taste. Anyway, it's not too sweet so I can drink a lot. Yay!

What I remembered lately.

The episode of House from Season 1 titled the three stories. I especially love the part when Cameron suddenly answered House's question (that's when we discover that the team actually was watching the lecture!). I want to see that episode again very badly :(

What's different today.

I went swimming, alone. It kinda sucked :P but at least I did something different.

What do I miss.

I miss a lot. I miss food I can find easily in Sg, the library there, I miss my friends, I miss the singing together.

I miss someone I talked to a lot before, but I'm not sure if I still see the same person now. That's kinda... too bad.

What's with this format.

I realised that I'm not someone so coherent, my mind keeps jumping from one thing to another. Sometimes it's linked by something (I'm kinda good at it, you know), sometimes it's totally unrelated. So this format actually is nicer because I can talk about unrelated things without worrying it will sound absurd :P and as my dear friend pointed out, I do like commenting on what I write :P

What I think is beautiful, right now.

A couple who's been married for a long long time and still love each other as if they just fell in love.

I would like to read a story on that. I want to know how they'll describe their feelings towards each other.

Oh I feel like an old woman.

and with each day that passes, do you think feelings will pass too?

Six Things after Breakfast

2010-05-20T10:54:00.003+08:00

1. I'm currently in love with google chrome.

2. In some process, usually this will happen:

learning to live with, then learning to live without.

in some cases maybe it's inevitable, but in some cases it's just pure pity. Like in relationship.

3. I don't really understand why people would impose violence to defenseless people. But now I guess, I kind of understand, in face of threat, we want to get rid of the threat, no matter how it takes, and somehow our instinct may be responsible for us doing it to the extremes. Well, like Patrick Jane says, maybe's it's the lizard in us.

4. I should write a love letter for a friend who've known me for very long, and still quite close, and maybe has realised that I've changed from the one she knew first. Before any more changes, I would like to write something for her.

5. Some people are angels without wings.

6. When I reach six, I remember the line from Alice in Wonderland, "Why, sometimes I believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."

7. And when I'm looking for the exact line there, I found this also :

"I simply must get through!" (Alice)

"Sorry, you're much too big. Simply impassible." (Doorknob)

"You mean impossible?"

"No, impassible. Nothing's impossible."

(Alice in Wonderland quotes, Angela Harris, Hubpages)

Isn't it nice.

Baby, baby, baby

I thought you'll always be mine

Jebay down.

2010-05-14T16:05:00.003+08:00

Ya benar. Jebay yang biasanya membanggakan diri nggak suka sakit ini sekarang lagi ngga sehat, dan bahkan rencana untuk pergi2 hari ini pun ditunda karena merasa ga cukup fit untuk keluar (ditambah perasaan kalo jebay muter2 hari ini pun, will only be another aimless wandering yang paling mentok juga berakhir dengan a few clothes I'll be coveting for the next ... (masukin jangka waktu yang reasonably lama di sni)).

Nggak enaknya sakit tuh bukan cuma "sakit"-nya (perasaan ga enak badan, eneg, pegel2, kednginan), tapi juga bosennya. Jebay sudah tidur hampir setengah hari (bangun sebentar buat sarapan, trus bosen dan lemes jadi tidur lagi) dan masih merasa nggak enak mau ngapa2in, tapi merasa terlalu babi kalo tdur lagi (hence the blog - at least mengetik nggak menghabiskan energi dan bisa jadi pelipur lara karena nggak ada org yg bisa diajak ngomong *hiks*)

Paling nggak kalo sakit sekarang ada yang ngurusin. Seperti pembantu saya yang uda dengan setia merawat (baca : ngerokin semalem, dan tadi masakin mie buat jebay yang dengan egois pngen makan mie padahal uda dimasakin makanan lain). Bandingin sama keadaan kalo lagi sakit waktu masi hidup "mandiri" di sg. Nggak enak banget.

Still it's concluded that sakit itu nggak enak. NGGAAAKKK ENAKKK. Nggak enak makan (masakan hari ini tuh one of my all-time favourite, cuma ga nafsu makan hiks), nggak enak tdur (karena uda kebanyakan tdur sih kayaknya, dan juga karena pegel2), ngga enak jalan2 (duh...), bahkan takut sama cuaca (akhir2 ini bogor jadi ujan lagi tiap hari, dan biasanya jebay akan bersorak kegirangan karena jadi adem, tapi sekarang malah khawatir cuaca kayak gini bakal membuat kesehatan memburuk. hiks)

Anw jebay yang paranoid smpet kepikiran jangan2 ini usus buntu (kemaren habis ngobrol sm my dear soal sepupu yang usus buntu...), trus nekan2 bagian kanan bawah perut dengan takut. Eh sakit! Tapi setelah itu mkir kemaren sakit smuanya kok, jangan2 ini cuma sugesti doang karena takut (otak manusia tuh kadang2 ngerepotin ya). Anw dd jebay (ato siapa gitu) pernah bilang "kalo usus buntu mah berdiri aja nggak bisa kali..." if that's true then jebay masi baik2 aja ya mustinya. Kayaknya ini cuma a case of masuk angin yg agak parah.

Anw jebay sngguh2 berharap agar segera sembuh supaya bisa makan dengan bahagia lagi (ngomong2 tadi smpet kepikiran, jangan2 ga nafsu makan sekarang tuh gara2 uda kebanyakan makan yang enak2 sampe jadi bosen... lama2 bakal jadi takut sm makanan??!! - tapi lalu mengingat kalo tadi jebay masi kepengen mcspicy, burger king dan sushi, sepertinya nggak, ya :P)

get well soon jebay!
*merasa agak sok imut nulis dengan org ketiga gitu*
*dan iya ini usaha utk find myself, nulis pke bhs indo. haha*

a little love in my life

2010-05-11T17:07:00.003+08:00

Rarely do I think of a title that I really like, so now that I did, I really need to write something. Just for the sake of that little title (hahaha not really!).

I'm back at home after spending a few days with fanie. A few exhausting days. It was really fun though! Though I'm still kinda plagued by the lack of good night sleeps (they were not as tight as I hoped they would be). But I think I won't write all those here, I guess they'll post photos on facebook as remembrance. So yea. Words would seem vain in comparison. But those lovely ladies really know how to have fun, and I'm glad I went with them :)

Sometimes a short message can work wonders. Well, remember the days when we have a little crush on someone but all too shy to say and all we do is to look and wait? (well daring ones won't do just that though!) And suddenly our phone rings and we see his/her name on the display and our heart starts jumping. Amazing, isn't that.

Or the lovely flowers that wait on the hand of your beloved, ready to be handed to... well, you?

Or the drizzle you look at from inside you room. The drizzle that cools the earth, and your feelings, down.

Or the warm sunshine waking you up every morning.

I don't know what I'm talking about! But I'm in a good mood. Superb! :D

----------------------------------------

I did write that but now I think it doesn't sound like me. Not that it's not like me to be happy - I am so very often happy. Haha! It's just that it sounds a bit artificial, that's all.

But then again I don't know how does it like, to "sound like me". I have been writing this for quite long and I noticed I have changed. Not just the language (I'm ashamed to say that I'm really uncomfortable to write in Indonesian now. That may mean a few things : I've been more dishonest, less open, more cynical and cryptic; or I simply lost my edge on the language. Neither is desirable), but also the way I write, the content, and everything.

Maybe the only thing that doesn't change is almost all I write has some intentions or reasons behind them.

Well.

I love you, but I can't put it down in words.

a day's treasures

2010-05-05T10:58:00.002+08:00

1. house, foreman and chase singing together. I laugh real loud watching that, and I can't rest until I find hari to share the fascination. Hahahaha.

2. dhea sutanto, dearest friend, who so readily informs me of any updates and keeps checking for me! love you! :D

3. hari, who told me there's an episode of american idol with that song (with similar stunt). it's still morning and I'm already laughing.

:)

2010-05-02T16:24:00.002+08:00

I once said I'm afraid I'll become heartless.

Seeing how emotional I am over pretty much anything that concerns me closely, I doubt it'll ever happen.

But now after few months of boredom and distance, I'm pretty much dulled, especially right now.

But you know the worst thing is?

Discovering that as dull as you are now, there is still something that can hit you with a blow and crush you into pieces.

2010-04-30T17:53:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I wish I had a moment in my life I'll always look back to. Like, a moment where an old man with long white beard and kind blue eyes (I am not describing dumbledore, am I?) told me some wise line I'll always remember for the rest of my life. Well I wish, and it would be interesting too of that really happened - like the possibility of me, right now, thinking, "Who on earth was that person??" - yea that would be interesting.

Anyway, it didn't happen, and I don't remember anything like that happening to me (well if that happened surely it is not likely to escape my memory, right?).

I don't know why I write this. Just saying, maybe.

Two nights ago I looked at the sky from the front of my house and I can see many stars. Lucky it was not cloudy. And actually it was quite pretty, and it made me wish I had a telescope on an attic to observe them.

Then again the fact that there are tall houses around my house made me annoyed because it's kinda hard to look at the moon, it was kind of blocked and I only saw it from a small gap between the shadows of the houses.

About the moon, I've never been able to spot the rabbit on the moon. REALLY. When I was a child, I was told of the story, and nope I never see it. Even once. Good for me because there really is no rabbit on the moon (errr right?). Bad because it kinda suggests the lack of sweetness in my childhood (nah, not really. But it would be cute right, if a little innocent me looked up at the moon and said, "AHHH there is mr.rabbit!!!" *awwwwww*)

Actually it would be nicer if they say there's a family of rabbit on the moon so that the rabbit would not be lonely, wouldn't it? But then I can't really imagine how would the shadow of a family of rabbit looks like (it will require quite an imagination, and I'm sure most people will interpret it as something else or dismiss it as an abstract pattern *ouch, rabbit family*)

well, it's been nice!

anyway here's the lyric of a song that had my attention for once, and though I don't really understand it is meant to flatter or critique, I think it has some truths to it :P

She's Always A Woman
Billy Joel

She can kill with a smile
She can wound with her eyes
She can ruin your faith with her casual lies
And she only reveals what she wants you to see
She hides like a child,
But she's always a woman to me

She can lead you to love
She can take you or leave you
She can ask for the truth
But she'll never believe you
And she'll take what you give her, as long as it's free
Yeah, she steals like a thief
But she's always a woman to me

CHORUS:
Oh--she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants
She's ahead of her time
Oh--and she never gives out
And she never gives in
She just changes her mind

And she'll promise you more
Than the Garden of Eden
Then she'll carelessly cut you
And laugh while you're bleedin'
But she'll bring out the best
And the worst you can be
Blame it all on yourself
Cause she's always a woman to me
--Mhmm--

Bridge

CHORUS:
Oh--she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants
She's ahead of her time
Oh--and she never gives out
And she never gives in
She just changes her mind

She is frequently kind
And she's suddenly cruel
She can do as she pleases
She's nobody's fool
And she can't be convicted
She's earned her degree
And the most she will do
Is throw shadows at you
But she's always a woman to me

something unexpected this way came

2010-04-28T17:15:00.003+08:00

okay. so.

after what I saw today, one of my favourite quotes came to mind:

"your greatest fear is that you're powerful beyond measure..."

well I don't really remember the rest of it, but I have a grasp, really.

I'm not sure what to make of myself, was I overjoyed or trembling with fear. I think it was a mix of both. Haha.

since nothing's certain yet, I am kind of at loss of what to say at the moment, but what's kinda amusing for me right now was my past confusion.

I remembered panicking and being fussy and all. Well turns out I get something really really unexpected.

I feels like I'm being reprimanded very, very gently. "See, I have My ways. Why do you bother yourself with something like that? I thought I told you not to rely on your own strength?"

Oh my. If I think about it like that, I cannot stop smiling.

:)

well, I'm really thankful.

I think I'm a little crazy.

2010-04-18T20:57:00.003+08:00

Yes, I think so.

I think it's out of boredom. I practically do near to nothing that is meaningful. And having nightmares, talking on my sleep, waking up with a really really bad feeling may have been signs.

It's kind of hard to be fulfilled, and not many things really interest me anymore. I want to do something that really makes me happy that I do it. Something that enriches me. Something... I don't know, more suited for my brain?

But I've just been doing... well, meaningless things. Almost.

Though there are certainly some things that I am thankful for.

The baby soap I began to use recently is one. Simple as it is, it really works wonders for me.

My brother is another. Today I spent my afternoon buffing up my nail, and after some practice I thought I kinda get a grasp of it and showed the result to my brother. He kinda mocked me at first, and to convince himself, he tried it on himself.
You know what. By the end of it his nails are like 300% shinier than mine (and I thought I got a grasp on it? Get real, girl - his nails said)
I had a pretty good laugh :D
Alright maybe boys are better with buffing up nails.

My housemaid is another. Now that my aunt is out of town, she's been the one cooking and cleaning and doing every single housework here, and I'm really thankful for that. All I have to do, really, is do the grocery shopping. I think that's great that I have someone telling me what I should buy and have the three meals prepared. Wow.

But I always hate sleeping in places where I'm not usually alone. (Oh. Or maybe I don't like sleeping alone anywhere. Not really sure about that)

I'm thinking to get my hair colored tomorrow. I hope it'll make me sane again :P

And there is a little fear growing inside of me.
I know distance is just something to be passed.
But has it ever occurred to you -
something, a little thing bothering you.
You don't really know what it is, but you fear it will grow?

Well. How about dark, reddish brown for my hair?

getting productive

2010-04-15T21:14:00.003+08:00

I'm kinda high right now from seeing to many cute and sweet things!
When I told my dear that it felt like my blood rushed to my head, he said I'm exaggerating, but I think that's true!
Oh my my :)

Oh anyway! This is my baby :D

amateur work I know! But I'm just so glad I made that :D at least I have a tangible product that I actually like :D

I'm hoping to make other things too, but right now I'm kinda stuck on what I want to make, so I guess it'll have to wait for a while.

Oh, and I'm thinking to learn (or at least try to do) some paper art (paper cutting), but I'm never a big fan of cutters or knives, and scissors are not so reliable for small details... oh well. It takes skill I guess!

But for now, beads and crochet are my friends.

Talking about crochet, apparently my mom did do that - and she made a jacket! She never fails to amaze me (yes, even now that she's not around anymore).
I thought it was so cool. And yesterday I thought, maybe I don't have to be someone who is wealthy or whatever. Maybe just being like my mom is enough. She's smart and kind and adorable. She was an excellent cook; she had great fashion sense, she loved decorative plants (I remember she really wanted to have some pink alamandas in our yard), she could sew and crochet and who knows whatever else, she had a charming smile - what more do you really want? Oh, and she has me and my brother, who shall remember and love her forever.
That sounds really great for me.

a lovely day.

a productive day!

2010-04-13T23:06:00.002+08:00

This is the most productive day I have since, well, I don't know how long.

Accompanied by my aunt, I went shopping for beads - thanks Hani for the idea, and the various webs from which I tried to draw some inspiration of the things I want to make.
Anyway, as it usually happens, I ended up buying things different from what I planned to buy - but after some process of making it this afternoon, it looked quite fine (read : I'm kinda satisfied). Just hope it will turn out well, I have high hopes on that :)

And today I learned to crochet! (Mom you'll be so proud if you see this. This seems like the kind of thing you'll do, or I suspect you did before!)
Just hope this new found skill won't die just like that - I hope I'll develop it too, at least until I get some wearable product! (this is also a rather HIGH hope, hahaha)

Today I talked to my dear about some songs (it all started with the youtube link of adam lambert singing starlight that hari posted on facebook), and I remembered the line from GossipGirl :
".... but the best songs are the ones that bring you back to the moment you heard them, and once again, break your heart."
Well that's quite true (I remember the line because I think there really are songs like that).
For me, a particularly strong one would be The Way by Clay Aiken. I heard that after my first break-up, and though I don't remember the bitterness anymore by now, I still remember feeling bitter when at that particular moment, the feelings and the song.

There are other songs too, but that songs just happened to be in my playlist today, so I guess it is worth remembering, here.

and if dreams were wings, I would have flown to you.

bottled and capped

2010-04-11T08:58:00.002+08:00

Sunday morning!

And I woke up quite early.

I don't know why but lately I haven't had good night sleeps, I woke up a few times in the middle of the night this past few days, although when I went to sleep, I was so sleepy I just turned off. I think that's the effect of the medicine (and nice pillows and bed, of course). Maybe I just wasn't tired enough. Maybe.

I'm thinking of modifying my mom's old skirts (which are still in good condition) to fit me. Maybe it's easier and cheaper to buy a new one, but they're still so good it kinda breaks my heart to see them packed away in the wardrobe in vain.
Yea, let's hope it works so I'll end up with a few more skirts. :P

And the complication on my fingers is healing! :)

Many twirling emotions, and if boredom can be classified as one, it is the most prominent. But well, sometimes you just need to hold back a little and do what you ought to do.
Sometimes that's just a bit hard, don't you think.

I just want a good book that can blow my mind away. Sigh.

And yesterday's quote of the day, from rudy :

"I don't wanna marry a businesswoman."

oh LOL.

definitely loves you

2010-04-08T08:40:00.002+08:00

isn't that just sweet.

it's one of the few good things i encountered this past few days :)

i went to a dermatologist yesterday because of a little complication on two of my fingers.
the price of the medicine i have to buy made me really, really want to work in a pharmaceutical industry.
oh. turns out it's an allergy. the funny thing is all my life (till now) i've never really have an allergy, so it's quite a surprise. and guess what the doctor said may be the cause? SEAFOOD. damn. oh and detergents and other few things. so well, no seafood for sometime. maybe i'll try to be a herbivore. but then, maybe it'll all end without me knowing what actually i'm allergic to.
well i hope it'll heal soon. it's so troublesome typing with just one hand :(

anyway i've been enjoying faster internet connection since yesterday. and unlimited, too! :D isn't that nice :DD thanks to my bro who's so.... thoughtful? lol i don't know, but thanks to him :)

i'm kinda tired. and i woke up every few hours last night. whatever the cause, i wonder.

boredom. super.

2010-03-26T22:35:00.003+08:00

I'm writing just because I'm so, so bored. And there is a complicated feeling gnawing at me. So yea. I shall write.

Today I went to the bookstore hoping to find a manga. Actually I was pretty sure it should be out by then, but - ohh crapp - it wasn't yet. I was really disappointed. I thought that will make my day. Turns out it's just not my day. Oh well.

I didn't want to go home just yet (I had nothing to do at home anyway). So I went to j.co, ordered thai tea and a long-longed glazed donut. The donut was good, as usual, the thai tea not so (probably it's already diluted, I took quite some time to finish).

I didn't want to go home empty handed so I went for a window shopping, thinking to actually buy if I found something good. And I did! Found a pair of sandals that looks quite good (but ordinary, yea), looks durable, and flat. This can actually be plus or minus though (shoes that add a few cms to my height certainly is a plus, the pain it causes to my feet certainly is a minus). Anyway I decided to think about it again (not in impulsive buying mode, apparently).
Then I found some necklaces which actually looked pretty good too, and I think I could get a good price bargaining. But I decided not to buy, again.

So I went to another place. And I saw a one-piece, not the type i normally wear, but I tried it anyway. And turned out it looks quite good on me. In fact I fell instantly in love! BUT, but, but.... I decided to think again. *sigh* so yea, I went home empty-handed.

And now I'm super super bored. And sorry dear if I'm annoying. Didn't mean to be. Just can't help it somehow. Sometimes I'm such a bitch, sorry :(

linear regression model

2010-03-26T18:50:00.002+08:00

Yesterday I talked with A about A's relationship with B.

Today, A asked me whether I'm familiar with regression analysis.
Well, we learned about linear regression in JC.

So A said :
from a set of data
we test which variable is statistically significant
for example, work hour and income are significant

and yesterday, after the talk about A's past relationship,
it occurred to A to do a regression analysis (ABOUT IT), and see the coefficient to know the relationship explanatory variable.

so A thought :
y = charm level
x1 = no. of hours talking per day
x2 = no. of dates

and A said, yesterday A derived quite a few x variables.

I can't help but laugh, seriously.
Though admittedly I think it's kinda interesting (the fact that I think so proves that I am kind of a geek myself), I have never known of anyone who really does that!

and you know how A closed this geeky conversation?
huaahhh
it feels good having told someone about this
if I told other people this, they may think I'm a freak

WELL. Do you expect me to say you're not a freak?
But maybe you made the right choice to talk about this to me.
LOL.

This is seriously the most interesting thing I heard today :P

P.S : after I wrote this, I think A should write about this, not me, because it will be so much funnier that way. But that may be kinda sensitive, and since I already told A I'm gonna blog about this, here it is. But I don't really know how to make this sounds interesting. For me the fact that such thing happens is already so interesting :P

reflection

2010-03-25T00:13:00.002+08:00

My dear showed me a few things he wrote after a fight we had last year.
It's kinda touching to read those, how he actually reflected on it.
That he cared about it even at the point where his level of affection for me was probably, well, the lowest.

Maybe there are points in our life, when we think whether we still love our partner or not.

Which made me wondered just now - with friends, it looks more straightforward (oh maybe not) and long-lasting. Why is it, that with someone special, the easier it is to break?

Funny, isn't it.

No actually it is NOT funny.

Just something to remember if one day I shall change, or maybe, he changes, and things go the undesirable way.

What made me thought I still love him and wanted him by my side even when it looked so hard to bear.

I thought the situation would be worse if he was not with me.
Even when I tried to ignore him, I still want him to talk to me. And I couldn't bear the fact that he didn't that I talked to him first.

Well, and the fact that he kept forgiving me, after each irrationally emotional (on my part) fight that we had, that after those fights we can laugh it off and tease each other about them.

And you know, be moved because we know the love and sacrifices the other made that day, that night,

and that's what makes we still together right now.

you know, i considered the possibility of me reading this one day, thinking what a fool i am to be such a lovesick, after everything (touchwood) ends badly.
but isn't that the point.
well, the future me, i hope everything is still ok when you read this one day.
well, if you're not, i assure you he's not yet turn into a jerk, and you not yet a fool, and that it's pretty and nice and for what it's worth for the past you,
it's worth it.

my dreams

2010-03-22T12:34:00.003+08:00

I write this because I'm not sure what I'll be doing tonight, and I guess I should leave you something to read, just because I like to talk to you.

I realize I've been quite annoying lately because I always seem to make a fuss about the same thing over and over again, only to end it with saying that there's nothing I can do about it.
It's pretty stupid, I know.
I want to learn to have more confidence in myself. Oh well. Like hari said, he wasn't worried when I took my results (honest or not, well, leave it to him)

Still not knowing what lies ahead is kinda troubling, isn't it.

I don't know yet the direction I'm going to take. Right now probably I'm just taking a gamble, a big gamble, following a small voice in my heart.

Let me share what possibly motivated me, or inspired me, to apply for what I'm applying for.

I think I can share it back.
Our country is kinda messed up. And it seems that politics are the main concerns of the politicians (this is kind of a frustrations seeing what seem to make the headlines nowadays).
Our country, is also a beautiful country, actually. Before its nature is exploited.
I once read an article I don't really remember what it was about. But there was a woman, an environment specialist, who works with tackling the issue. I think it's about mining.
Oh well. Now you know where that leads.

Anyway, it's a big gamble because I myself is not sure what I am gonna study there. But it's worth taking a risk, isn't it? I guess it won't be too wasted. Even though I mentioned I prefer something with science and design (I think designing my own green house is cool :) )

But anyway.
Like what I thought before, I think God has plan for all of us. And I believed He has shown me a light with that result :) Now it is just what He has in store for me next.
I probably should believe it more strongly.

I don't have much of a dream. But I want to do something impressive. I want to know things I never know before. And I realize that what I want is not really a goal, it is more of a process. Remember how excited I am when I am talking to you about those geek stuffs? Well, it is what I dreamed about, probably. To know about those things just put me in awe. And hopefully put me in a better perspective. It's not a deep understanding, but one day I hope I'll learn to understand too.

Some people live their lives chasing their dreams.

I know my desperate self may argue with this, but probably, just probably -
I've been living in my dream.

and to know happiness, to know you, to feel blessed ;
really, it's just like a dream.

consolation

2010-03-20T01:30:00.002+08:00

oh thank God.

sometimes help really comes when I need it.

and from unexpected people, too :)

anyway I'm feeling a lot better now, thanks to a friend from far away who shared some stories (wild stories).

and all the people who engaged me in conversation.

yeah you're right. maybe i just need to talk to someone, you know.

oh anw.

I cried reading the lyrics of Vanilla Twilight by Owl City that my dear showed.

Kinda funny really, but I really cried.

I guess the song reflects what I feel right now.

'cause the space between my fingers are where yours fit perfectly.

betrayal

2010-03-20T00:02:00.003+08:00

It feels like a total betrayal.

Even my own mind won't obey me.

I just want to be calm and happy. Why do I have to be such and anxious, paranoid, self-pitying ... whatever.

Is it so hard, I wonder. Is it so hard.

I am sad and troubled and no one can console me. Like, dammit, what's wrong with it.

childhood

2010-03-17T14:57:00.002+08:00

It's raining today.

Like it does almost everyday.

So, I have resisted the temptation for sweet treats for a few days.
But I had chocolate milk as consolation - you can't really call that sweet treats, don't you?

My dear friend's birthday is coming and I'm considering what to give her. I thought about making cheesecake for her (must be because I went shopping today), but maybe that's not so much of a good idea. Uh well.

Maybe this can be my project for this week. Yeah, maybe.
Alright, decided.

I told my dear last night that I remembered the contents of some of the book I read during my childhood than my actual childhood experience. How's that for a surprise.

But actually what I read have shaped me in a way that... well, I became who I was, contributing to who I am now.

Actually I think I didn't live in reality too much. That's why I remembered stories.

But now, I can see reality very clearly. And at times it is suffocating.

That's why I told my dear, I'm happier being jebay.
I'm happier being who I am there.

And his response?
Wow, that is profound.

It sure is, isn't it?

Love makes the world go round.